23 Sept 2010

Hestia....what pink eyes you've got!

Check out my pink eyes! Say nothing about my big ears though
So I thought I'd do a light-hearted blog about mascaras - try to give these excellent make-up bloggers that I love a run for their shekels.  Something witty and informative that involved wearing each of my mascaras for a day and probing the following important areas:

1 - Does it do what the advertising schmaltz claims that it will?  Am I thicker? longer? Better than falsies?
2 - Does it make my eyes itchy by 5pm?
3 - How much comes off when you cry at the NSPCC advert or Who Do You Think You Are?
4 - Ease of removal at night
5 - Do you have panda eyes in the morning?

As you can see, it would have been a hugely important blog post in the entire history of blogging - possibly even an award winner that would prompt a change of career and a magazine column advising about matt, gloss or eggshell finishes on one's lipstick.  Tom Ford, all you need to do is call me..... yeah, well, I'm prone to day dreaming as you can see.

Right - to the test. I'm as tough as old boots and I click my fingers in distain at 'sell-by' dates and 'best before' dates.  Sure, it means that I have a cupboard full of medicines that either make your bowels move or cork you up like Bolly under pressure, but hey - it's all just baloney to make you buy more new unnecessary stuff.  Like fresh food.

I ignored the 'discard by' info on my regular mascara and slapped on a couple of coats of something inexpensive and pretty clumpy. Sitting in front of the computer, I soon found myself rubbing at my eyes.  Didn't think it was the mascara though, because I'd put on eyeliner today too - and plus, I'd worn the mascara loads of times before without incident. The rubbing became more frantic and my eyes started to get really sore, not itchy.

By 10am I was trying to claw my eyeballs out of their sockets and rinsing every few minutes with Optrex.  I peered at myself in the bathroom mirror - my eyes had puffed up like marshmallows. The pink ones. It was not a good look.  It was time to phone the doctor.

Within 30 minutes, I was sitting in the waiting room to see Dr Hugely Over-Paid.  My eyes were streaming and I prayed that I wouldn't have long to wait.  The Olympians smiled upon me and within a couple of minutes, Hugely came out and called me through.

It only took a couple of minutes for him to diagnose that my mascara had caused my eye problems. 

'How old IS the mascara, exactly?' asked Dr Hugely. 

I shrugged, embarassed.  'Dunno, but the writing on the package is in Latin.'

He cracked his handsome ski-tanned face into a smile and dripped some soothing drops into my poor eyes.  He then wrote me a script for ointment - no driving until the situation had improved.  That suited me fine because I didn't think that I could see to find the GARAGE, never mind the car's ignition.

By 11am I was back home gratefully clutching my prescription and fighting the urge to get on to Twitter for a chat - albeit a hugely painful one.  Hell, I even had to leave our Tarot e-zine languishing in QuarkXpress for a whole nother day before I could face the torture of a bright screen and 37 pages of setting and editing.

What I *DID* do instead was go upstairs and clear out my mascaras and wash all my make-up brushes.  Do you know, some of the brushes were actually an entirely different colour to what I thought they were?

So, since I cannot be a shining example to you of good make-up care, let me be a horrible pink-eyed, puffy faced warning instead:  bin your old mascaras before you too resemble a pesky wabbit....

So, fess up - is it only me who keeps ancient make-up and rarely washes her make-up brushes?

*waits nervously* Will Hestia be alone in adding 'make-up bag strumpet' to her growing hash-tag list of domestic goddess fails?


  1. Oh I have ancient make-up too - though not mascara. My eyes are quite sensitive so I just buy cheap stuff (the Maybelline pink & Green one) on a regular basis. And I apply blusher on the train without a mirror, I'm no dab hand at applying make-up... I probably look like Barbara Cartland!

  2. Dear Ali, you need to get the undercoat I told you about and use the Dior mascara I sent you. I promise your lashes will look a million dollars.

    I buy a new mascara every couple of months but have to admit some of my other make-up is rather elderly.

    I'm often seen putting mine on in the back of a cab or worse still in the front of The Actor's mini where the suspension is dreadful and I nearly have my eye out. That's if I don't fuse my spine together over the millions of speed humps where I live.

    The line about the writing in Latin made me laugh and I'm delighted to hear I'm not the only one who cries at Who Do You Think You Are! Hope you've had a good week xx

  3. This made me laugh far too much.

    I know I need to buy new mascara but have kept putting it off. I will now toddle of dutifully and buy some tomorrow.

    So thank you.

    (I will also wash my make up brushes and bin all the other old make up I have)

  4. http://www.eyeslipsface.co.uk/product~prodID~168.htm



  5. Santa - I never knew that such products existed!!! Fantastic - thanks for that!

    Siobhan - you would have laughed at my eyes. Imagine Yoda in a fleece and jeans.

    Christina - I WILL get that because I absolutely love the Dior mascara.

    Mrs TNMA - *grips gratefully at a fellow make-up slattern's hand* I'm not alooooone!!!!

  6. The only make-up I have is ancient - don't think I've bought any since at least 2003!! However, I also wear it so rarely... What are make-up brushes? ;-b My excuse is that I used to wear contacts, which put me off eye make-up, and my OH doesn't like make-up, full stop - bless! Still, pretty sure that makes me a make-up slattern :-D

  7. Instructions in Latin? You've no idea how much I renjoyed your post. My make-up regime is shoking and most of it is ancient. I don't bother with mascara, I buy the Colorsport dye kits from Boots, they're fantastic. xxx

  8. I have loads of old make up languishingly on my dressing table which I regularly dip into when needing to present a 'smart' face.I had no idea mascara had an expiry date.Maybe that accounts for the weird blistery sty which I had a couple of weeks ago.I try not to spend much time in front of the mirror especially since my mother helpfully treated me to one of those magnifying mirrors which makes ones face look like a deflated paper bag.(Never,ever lean over a mirror)

  9. no no no...you must wash your brushes!! Although even as a non-practicing make up artist I don't do it as much as I should but I do stick the mascara wand under the tap pretty regularly, makes all the difference, honest...still can't beat Maybelline great lash...cheap enough to replace regularly!!

  10. Ali this made me laugh I do replace my mascara regularly (I have tried them all and the one that works for me is Lancome Virtuose) but I have a big basket of ancient make up, that really needs to be chucked out.
    As for my make up brushes, best not to go there they could probably do with chucking as well and re investment in new ones although new ones tend to bring me out in a rash, make me itch and have people wondering why I have long black hairs on my face!

    Hope your eyes are feeling better soon.

  11. Ali,
    Poor you. I hope your eyes get well quick.

    I don't wash makeup brushes very often, but I do bin them and buy new ones a few times a year.

    I will use older mascara, but only if I bought it awhile back and it's still sealed in the package.

    Love you,



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