20 Jul 2011

Hestia's countdown to Conference

Bugger off advertisers - it's NEVER as easy and mess free as this
The final week before Conference is usually fraught.  Not because of anything in particular, but you waken up at 5am with an EXAM TODAY kind of feeling that cannot be quelled by any amount of jogging on the mental hamster wheel.

Tomorrow Sonshine and I depart in our little car for Darn Sarf and thus today is the day that I do all the packing and other lady things.

One of the lady things being Dye My Hair.

You may know that I have a hate/hate relationship with my curly unruly snakey head of hair and I have long left my colouring to my 'stylist' at the hairdressers because I end up with the bathroom looking like Charles Manson has been at the helm.

Before I say anything, may I draw your attention to THIS advert:

Where ANYWHERE in this advert does it say she should have done her patch test 48 hours ago. Fugging NOWHERE that's where. So when I read the instructions this morning and saw that I should have done a patch test 48 hours ago, I was faced with a dilemma - patch test and dye my hair AT the conference in the hotel loo (absolutely NO chance of me doing that) or just going for it. I just went for it.

So far. No itching.

Now, replay the advert again.

I mixed the colours and shook for all I was worth. I put the pump thing on and pumped. The foam was not white, but it was foam, so I whupped it onto my barnet. I puffed it all on to my hair, the whole thing and reader, there was NO FOAM like in the advert. I tried 'massaging it like shampoo' but there was nothing to massage. My dry thick hair had snorted all up like best Columbian white. I took the dregs of the bottle and massaged it around my hairline.

The advert has, you will notice, the girl dancing around her room while her pals wait downstairs. If my pals had to wait an unscheduled 45 minutes before going on a big night out, all that I would hear is the slamming of the door as they bugger off on ahead of me. Or - worse, they would be so bladdered by the time I had taken away the grey, no taxi service would be willing to transport us.

My hair did not sit on top of my head, allowing me to dance around my bedroom either. I had to put on a shower cap.

I certainly wouldn't be dying my hair with a white jumper on like in the advert.  Something with brown splodges and smears would be more appropriate.  In my case, Tartarus's dressing gown.

Sonshine took one look at me in his dad's dressing gown and a shower cap and announced that I looked like gran.

Fucking children, what do THEY know of the suffering of home hair dying?

I waited 45 minutes as instructed and then knelt down over the shower tray, bollock naked and started to rinse off.

The water suddenly went freezing cold and I struggled to my feet, dabbing at my stinging eyes with my hands, trying to find the towel. I knew what had happened. After DAYS of nagging Sonshine to clean out Nibbles The Hamster before we went away, the little bugger had chosen to wash out the cage while I was trying to rinse/shower.

After a dripping half-naked mother appeared in the kitchen (that WILL give his psychiatrist something to get his teeth into in later years) the situation was resolved and I returned to the shower. I rinsed until the water ran clear.

Eagerly, and as heart-fluttery as a Jane Austen heroine only inches away from a pond-spattered Mr Darcy, I squeaked away the steam from the mirror and looked at my new shiny brown locks.

But what was that, lurking in the shadows?  Yes reader, you guessed it - my grey roots are UNTOUCHED.

Since I still have to pack, write all my introductions for the speakers, collate my questions for my two Tarot dignitaries AND get a bloody cable for my mac so that it will talk to their data projector (come on people, if you are offering a £100 per day data projector service - at least have a cable for a mac) I am not going to try to fix this.

Therefore, any of you reading this blog that are going to Conference are hereby instructed DO NOT LOOK AT MY HAIR or you will be turned, medusa-like into stone.  Or at least the raffle will be rigged so that you win NOTHING, you hear me?

And Clairol - get your fecking act together.


  1. You're supposed to do a patch test ?? LOL I haven't *tinted* my hair for some few years now .... :-)

  2. what about a hat? or a turban a la our Christina!! oh good luck deep breath.......xx

  3. Oh Ali thank you I feel like I haven't laughed for too long that had me in fits.. as a hairdresser and a fellow home dyer.. although I could tell you those ones are shit!! I wish you lived nearer you could have your colour done by the warmth of the aga and walk the chickens without risk of being seen by anyone.. my kids are so used to even men in highlight foils or caps that they are immune to it xx you need to get a professional colour done treat yourself xx

  4. Ps.. I have discovered a large scarf can make a really stylish turban .. just role it tie at the front..twice and then twist the ends take them towards the back and tuck them in .. there is a photo of me on my FB page.. Mystic Meg I look like but perfect for a tarot convention xx

  5. Yeah, I had the same thing happen with the patch test 48 hour thing last month (first time I'd dyed my hair in about 4 years). I just said feck it, and it was fine. They're just covering their arses with those warnings. My mum has died her hair for nearly 40 years, and I don't think she's EVER done a patch test.

    As for Sonshine's comment, I think you showed commendable restraint in not sending him to his room for the next 5 years ;D

    Where will you leave him while we're all in Aston? There's a bit of me would love to meet him, but I'm sure he'd be bored pantless, and you'd be twice as stressed ;)

    If your hair is your worst worry at the Conference, you should be laughing! Any hiccups, you know there's plenty of us willing to help out any way we can.

    See you soon,

  6. THe stupid thing about that advert is that her friends bring her a bottle of hair dye, as if to say ' if your hair isn't super glam you can't come out with us'!

    I need two boxes whenever i dye my hair!

  7. hehehe. I have a bottle of hair sye sitting in my bathroom ready for use (hairdressers for the first time in years tomorrow...better colour at home will make me feel better)

    Ive been dying my hair since I was about 14 and have never done a patch test...ever.

    As for those bloody adverts...yeah, as IF. Usually the bathroom looks like there's been a murder in there after Ive dyed my hair...suspicious brown/red/purple blobs everywhere.

    White ANYTHING? I dont think so! :)

    Have fun at the conference...I'll be drinking wine for you up here.

  8. Yes I've been there too - pink roots in my case though, and the cold shower was a regular occurrence with teenagers in the house. I have found a great home hair dye now though which I use to eek out the visits to the hairdresser - Perfect 10 - does what it says and is easy to use. Have a fab conference, sure you will dazzle them all x

  9. Good luck at the conference. You'll still WOW them, gray roots or no.

    Love you tons. I miss Christina, too!


  10. I do so hope you make the conference in time. It's just that I wondered if the rozzers spot a lady with her head wrapped in a turban and displaying a blotchy-brown complexion, then they might just arrest you for the terrible offence of "looking foreign"

    Don't worry about the conference. Things always go wrong, just don't worry about it, all it does is make more grey roots.

    Have fun.

  11. That's why I would rather have the grey than do it at home(never ever done a patch test when I did do it at home BTW)Last time I was at the hairdressers I was informed that grown out colour was de rigeur.
    Good luck and enjoy:)

  12. That dye ad always has me laughing, a quick and easy dye job? Not if I've got anything to do with it.
    Get yourslf some cheap waterproof mascara and colour your roots in when you get there, works for me.
    Have fun in Brum. x

  13. *delurking*
    At least that advert isn't Eva Longoria or suchlike who we are apparently supposed to believe dyes her own hair with a £5 kit from Boots, because she's worth it.

    And NO-ONE has ever done a patch test, ever.

    Those kits though, are nothing compared to the utter palaver of henna. In an ill-conceived attempt to relieve my hippy youth I once spent an hour grating a block of what was clearly cow dung into a slop that I had to leave on my head for eight hours after which my hair was tranformed into a rock hard ginger helmet smelling of farmyard. I am still rinsing bits of it out now and that was three years ago.

  14. In the advert, her roots look dyed! Why would you dye your roots? Blessed with ash blond hair (ie, the grey doesn't show) I haven't had to do a home colour since I was 15 and fancied black hair - remember shaders and toners? well, they're rubbish.

    Have a good conference, grey, brown, curly or straight; I'm sure you'll be magnificent x

  15. Knock em dead Ali, remember your a Goddess.

    Lesley x

  16. Dying hair is never like the advert but that description was almost a little too much like doing it at home has been for me. Except once I managed to get horizontal stripes in my hair. I still have no idea how.

    Hope the conference goes well and thanks for the post that genuinely made me laugh out loud!

  17. I've never done a patch test :/ Schwartzkopf XXL is good (it covered my blonde with deep purple a treat). I tried the John Frieda stuff recently and that's a foam and works quite well. Neither take 45 mins and both claim to cover grey.

  18. You are hilarious. Bless you that the damn thing didn't work. Down Sarf?? When are you coming to London? I'll get someone to do your hair for you xx


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