25 Mar 2011

Hestia is..fit for the knackers' yard

A few days ago, I thought that it would be nice to use a special scented deodorant thing Down There in the vain hope that Tartarus might be attracted by the scent in much the same way as a fruit bat is attracted to old bananas.

I applied it and... it felt a bit tingly.  At first I thought that it was Good Tingly, but within about 10 minutes I realised that it was Not Good Tingly and had to rush to the shower to get it off.

Too late, the damage was done.  My nethers resembled a pound of uncooked mince and the itch was the sort that made you eye the loo brush with thoughts of blissful scratching (see: Baloo in Jungle Book).

I headed off to the chemists where a gaggle of elderly people were getting their repeat prescriptions - or, let's not stereotype, get their methodone.  Either way, I wasn't keen on explaining to the chemist what the problem was under the beady eye of the town's most gossipy old folks.

I spied an assistant marking-down some Christmas bubble-bath.  She looked up with a smile as I bore down on her with my increasingly agitated John Wayne walk.

'Can I help you?' she smiled.

In response I dragged her over to the furthest away point in the shop and pointed at the offending article sitting on the shelf. In hushed tones I explained: 'I have used this, (points with shaky finger to product) there (points to nethers) and the itch is driving me insane.  Have you got a cream or something?'

The assistant drops her voice to an equally whispered conspiritorial tone: 'Yes, we've got lots of stuff.  You might have given yourself thrush...'

'THRUSH?????' I squeaked as loudly as a whisper can manage.  'Nooooo, it's just VERY itchy.'

'Is there discharge?' she asked.

'I haven't looked.  It's just ITCHY.' 

'Come with me.....'  We head to the counter and she quickly unlocks the front of the Big Cabinet and takes out Thrush Cream from the shelf.  In front of everyone.  They all look at me.  I blush and feel duty bound to smack the unspoken thoughts down: 'Dreadful ALLERGY... thanks very much, dear' and fling the £14.00 at her, waddling out of the shop with as much dignity as I could muster. Which wasn't much.

Today, you will be delighted to know, it's all absolutely fine. 

Just as well I'm ok though, I had to go visit the doctor to see about getting my gallstones out this morning.  He said that it would be in a 'couple of weeks'.  So fingers crossed that it's when Tartarus is still at home.

Back home, I explain to Tartarus what the doc said.  He is watching Crash.net on the mac.  I assume that he has heard something, but not sure what, because I uttered the phrase 'semi-naked' in the middle of a sentence to see if he was listening and he just kept on staring at Valentino Rossi's lap times.

I took off my jacket and idly started to fit pieces into my jigsaw. 

This is the hardest jigsaw known to mankind  - the bullocks are completely untouched and no-one has a complete face, it's so bloody hard.  And once this is done,  it's getting framed because I'm NOT doing it again.  I picked up a piece and slotted it perfectly into a druid's head....and my back went absolutely spasmodic with pain.

I dropped to the floor and lay on my back, the sweat lashing off me.  Tartarus came over to see what the fuss was and asked me what I had done.

'You put your back out.  Doing a jigsaw?' he said incredulously.

Reader, take me to the knackers' yard and tell him to load up his gun.  I'm only fit for making glue


  1. OMG Ali....you are so funny. If there is anything to go wrong it seems to happen to you! This really is one of the funniest blogs around!


  2. Oh dear, you really are getting it all thrown at you aren't you?

    Ali Dahlink, you have a way with words and I would truly miss your posts if he did take you to the knackers yard. You've entertained us ...now, perhaps the Universe will give you a break...and send a Dr Brian to put a smile back on your face ;)

  3. If I wasn't already a veggie I don't think I could ever face mince again! You make me laugh out loud, Ali, you really do.
    Hope that back gets better soon, the jigsaw is gorgeous.xxx
    PS News on the bin front, a fellow vintage blogger's mum said it was given away free with a Daz promotion during the 1960's. No wonder all us more mature bloggers remember it. x

  4. You really need to stop carrying that misfortune and disaster magnet around with you :D

  5. A few of the peripherals may not be tickety-boo, but at least your sense of humour is intact ;-D

  6. Ohhhh! Ali you poor thing! You have made me laugh out loud again though. You are funny the lengths you go to. I can't believe you've put your back out doing a jigsaw. At least it got his attention at last! Love you xx

  7. See, i think your storytelling is hilarious but when you are in pain it makes me sad.

    Use a hot water bottle for your back. Also, my nethers, like the rest of me, are quite eczema prone(I KNOW )and I find Femfresh wash effective and non-irritating. Maybe try it?

  8. Oh Ali that was hilarious I am glad I waited to read it xx
    I am also a delicate creature xx

  9. Reminds me of the time, just a few weeks ago, when instead of picking up the tube of thrush cream I picked up the tube of Ralgex...

  10. Oh Ali, I've just nearly fallen off the bed laughing. I hope your back is improving and that the itch has entirely gone!

  11. I laughed and then felt bad. It was a hand on mouth moment where you try to catch the laugh.

    Poor you, both with the thrush (hot baths can give you it too you know so half the old ladies in there probably had it too - lovely) and the back and the gallstones.

    I hope you get better soon, and you have to stick around. No one tells stories with as much verve and humour as you. x

  12. You poor wee dear. You're not having a lot of luck at the moment.
    I must admit I've never heard of anyone putting out their back whilest doing a jigsaw.
    Hanging up clothes, planting trees, climbing to Machu Picchu, wrestling alligators, Yes.
    Jigsaws, No.

    As regards the itchy bits, what were Valentino Rossi's lap times?

    Blokes don't want to talk about it, think about it, and especially look at it if it's itchy, or in any other way not 100% OK.

    If the scent of rotting bananas is not working on Tartarus, try whisky. NOT I hasten to mention as a "Juicy Bits Perfume" but as a relaxant, maybe he's just a bit nervous after being away for so long. About three glasses should be enough.

    Keep up the great posts, my day doesn't feel right unless I've read what's in the Larder.

    PS I came across you very funny post on smear tests (http://hestiaslarder.blogspot.com/2010/11/hestia-and-smear-test.html) and forwarded the reference to all the ladies "of a certain age" at my school.

    They loved it, though one or two mentioned that in NZ, it's not always warmed up. I didn't ask any more.

  13. Dear Ali, all I can say is, I think we were separated at birth! Except I am useless at jigsaws....but I now manage to crick my ageing neck while asleep....and don't get me started on nether region issues.....but I was greatly cheered recently when I was told about a woman who had her "flaps" done - apparently they were uncomfortable and she was always complaining about them, and I don't mean the mud flaps on her car...all her co workers breathed huge sigh of relief as were sick of hearing about her flaps all the time.....xxx

  14. The John Wayne walk reduced me to tears such a wonderful picture did it paint.

    This and the 'stun and drag'of your perfume post will always make me laugh.

    Thank you

  15. Oh my gosh, I really shouldn't have laughed at your misfortune. But the fact that you put your back out doing a jigsaw is too funny - I do feel bad as it must hurt like hell.
    Your blog literally makes my day every time I read your latest post xxx

  16. You might HAVE to try old bananas next time, I am pretty sure they don't cause an allergic reaction.

    Jigsaws put my BRAIN out!

  17. I'm not trying to take over your comments Ali X, but Blighty should remember that blokes read this blog.

    Any mention of "flaps" is completely abhorrent to any bloke within 10 parsecs of said statement.

    Actually, I'm beginning to feel sick even thinking about it.

    It's like an old World War II bomber film "Flaps down old chap"
    before opening the bomb bay doors.

    Dear God of simultaneous synchronicity, the confirming word is HOSED


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