14 May 2011

Hestia and......The Easter Story

AS you read this, I'll be under the knife.  Slightly worried that I might have bigged this up a bit too much in my previous post!  Enjoy it anyway:

The Scottish education system has been admired and emulated all over the world.  For centuries it has produced some of the world’s finest thinkers, engineers, artist and musicians: Robert Adam, Alexander Graham Bell, Robert Burns, Joseph Lister, Thomas Telford, Gordon Brown, Jackie Stewart, Colin McCrae, Billy Connolly, Sean Connery, Brian Cox (The Hanibal Lecter one, not the rubber-lipped physicist), Robert Carlisle, Deacon Blue, The Proclaimers and, erm, Andy Stewart.  No women, as you can see: They were all stuck at home, ironing sporrans, hand-pressing the Irn Bru and trying to be Sheena Easton. Anyhoo, I digress.....

Bearing this proud educational history in mind, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Sonshine’s Easter Story, courtesy of the 21st Century Department of Education in darkest Argyll ……P4/5 stylee:

Picture one starts off with a fairly traditional image – the three crosses on the hill at Golgotha, a MASSIVE Easter Bunny and some less-than-traditional crucifixion chat.

While the thief on the left moans ‘oh God’ which is perfectly understandable given the circumstances, Jesus takes the opportunity to express regret at not taking that super cool spy job.  This little known fact that Christ could have been a MOSSAD-conscript  is, somewhat strangely, omitted from the original Easter Story and shamefully neglected in The Greatest Story Ever Told (my own version of the King James in celluloid)

A spot of undercover spying could really have lifted Christ's life story, in my opinion.  Would have done wonders for the paintings of Leonardo Da Vinci, don't you think?  Imagine it - the Book of Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bond, James Bond.

The thief hanging on the other side of Christ manages a street-wise ‘Tell me about it' which makes me think that a) Monty Python's Life of Brian is going to go down a treat with Sonshine when we show it to him and b) he is watching way too much American telly.

They bake in excruciating agony under a very unhappy-looking Palestinian sun - not quite an eclipse, but close enough for me.  As you can see, we've attempted some colouring in here, but it's a bit half-assed and quickly abandoned.

This first narrator is Jesus himself, who says ‘Jesus was crucified.  Life is crule (isn't it)'.  Let's overlook the shocking spelling and just embrace the sentiment - even at 9, kids know life is crule.

Cut to Picture 2, where our narrator is now the Devil.

 An unusual choice of narrator, but what the hell, let's EMBRACE it.....

Jesus is now dead and two people roll up the stone to the front of the grave – with a ‘Jesus - Do Not Disturb’ sticker on it.  The Devil also has some hitherto unhinted at Biblical facts at his fingertips – that Jesus was ‘wraped’ in TOILET PAPER.  I'm thinking that 'Wraped' might be a sort of violent sexually-charged wrapping perhaps? Then Satan quickly admits that he’s just JOKING.  About the toilet paper, not the wraping.  That Satan, what a prankster, always up for a laugh.  And let's draw a veil over the spelling of 'actually'.

I CAN shed some light on this toilet paper thing.  The previous Hallowe'en, Sonshine went out as an Egyptian mummy and I used crepe bandage and toilet roll and copious lengths of sellotape to complete the look.  So it's not all quite as bonkers as one might think.  But it does get bonkers, quite soon.

Cut to Picture 3 where we see what I thought was the newly risen Christ having a bit of a stretch outside the tomb.  I have since been corrected.  It is in fact Mary, weeping outside the tomb.

Sonshine explained that he HAD put ‘bosoms’ on Mary, but then rubbed them out because he didn’t want to get in trouble with the teacher.  I pointed out that even some long hair might have helped with the gender issues.  He never thought about maybe adding long hair, only bosoms. I can see where his future interests will lie.

The narrator for picture 3 is now an angel who says: 'After my vacation, Jesus wasn't in the cave.  in fact, he had risen from the dead.'

I can't quite remember the angels going for a fortnight in a caravan to Bognor..... but still..... who really knows, with angels (or as Sonshine likes to call them, 'angles').

Our final image in this quartet shows that touching moment where the weeping Mary is startled in the Garden of Gethsemane by the appearance of the risen Christ.

I really like the fact that he has placed Jesus with his head out of shot. Seriously, I thought this was a very inventive angle (angel?) to take.

Note the rubbed out bosoms in this image of Mary too. So far, so traditional but now, bafflingly, our narrator is now a skate-boarder called Fred who concludes: 'Mary walked away and then Jesus said Mary' *ponders Sonshine’s tenuous grip on reality, even Biblical reality*.

I obviously have to work on the beginning. middle, end thing in stories and sort out the spelling issues - but that's for another day.

Finally, I'd like to leave you with the teacher's comment on this tableau of tragedy

I blame the parents m'self.....


  1. That is hilarious, Ali!
    Sonshine is definitely a very interesting child. What an amazing mind he's got, bet there's never a dull moment with him around. xxx
    PS Love the idea of Christ being a spy, might even get me reading the bible.

  2. Dear Alison, Firstly, I hope the op went well and you surgeon had a lovely bedside manner. I had the same op in London in 2000 and my surgeon had a soft Scottish accent and I probably needed very little anesthesia - I was so hypnotised! Sonshine clearly has a future as a satirical film maker if these story boards are anything to go on. I do love the restraint of 'interesting!'. The religious classes at my daughters' school are broken up into Catholic which form the majority, Jewish, "Butterfly" ie don't believe in God, and Non-Specific Protestants (well I added the non-specific bit). My girls attend this very small class and the lesson is translated through a ten year old boy as the teacher speaks no English. I amuse myself by wondering what exactly they may be learning, thinking of the Sermon on the Mount scene in The Life of Brian. Crossing my fingers you make a speedy recovery. Linda xxx

  3. Now Why doesnt this surprise me?? ;)

    It's absolutely brilliant....give Sonshine a bucket of Irn Bru and a buttery....he will one day, become a wonderful Scottish novelist :)

    S xx

  4. HAHAHAHA, Sonshine is a LEGEND! This isn't even half as crazy as the stuff some kids come out with.

    You got off lightly.

  5. Dear Ali X, I hope you're beginning to feel better soon, just remember to stay away from large fry-ups.

    Love Sonshine's story, MUCH better than the original, especially the bit with skateboarding Fred, while Jesus as a member of MOSSAD is absolutely unique.

    As for the spelling, I agree with you.....I blame the parents.

  6. U reelly hav to lay off de Cheezburger methid of teechin speling achelly :D

  7. Oh, and I really have to wonder at your sanity in including Gordon Brown and "finest thinkers" in the same sentence!

  8. Lulu? Hope you are feeling better Ali. The Easter story is pure genius, you should get him to do the "Bible According to Sonshine" whilst he is so inspired, with your translation below, it would make you rich and leave the rest of us hoarse from laughing so much. You didn't over-state it by the way, I think it is one of your finest! Joanne x

  9. Hope you're recovering well from your op, and all is fine. Strongly advise you do not read your own post, as when I did I uttered an out-loud stitch-busting peal of mirth that startled the dog. This is hilarious x infinity!!!! Your Sonshine has many talents, and spelling is highly over-rated and not interesting. His unique insight IS - I would like to see further comic strips from him, perhaps we might learn more about Mossad the Early Years?

  10. I have this as recommended reading on my blog - I'm still giggling hours later :)

  11. brilliant..this boy will go far....A for affort......and get better very vry very soon x

  12. Hahahaha!! Love it!! I can't wait for Sonshine to see Life of Brian. I know where he gets his sense of humour from... and then some. Love you xx

    PS. Hope you're alright. Would love to catch up. And yes, I've given up smoking!! It's been surprisingly easy seeing as I've been doing it for 30 years. I'll probably get addicted to this plastic inhaler thing that looks rather like a a tampon!

  13. Christina - stick with the tampon thing, keep off the fags!!! Yes, mum has just headed back home, so now have more time for lying on floor chatting on phone :-)

    Mrs YAH - thank you - he's deffo top of my class anyway :-)

    Mrs Exeter - thank you so much! Very kind of you - love that rose you treated yourself to btw!

    Mrs P - he has some strange ideas that the school sometimes raise their eyebrows at. Often refers to God as 'she'. But that's my fault for explaining to him about the Shekinah and whatnot. Very eclectic household we have here :-)

    Ania - you know me - say mostly anything if I think it will make someone smile.

    TSB - I have not a clue where the super spy job option came from. I can only assume that he has mishead something and put 2 and 2 together and made 5!

    LM - I know. But this little cartoon booklet that he made really made me giggle. So I kept it!

    Sage - yes, I'd like him to become the next J K Rowling and keep me in the style to which I could become accustomed ;-)

    Linda - that must make for VERY unusual learning! My own 10 year old can barely master sentences himself, never mind translate for anyone else lol!

    Polish Chick - it could be what happened. Who knows. According to some chap in America, we've only got to 21 May to straighten out our affairs before The Rapture descends and thee and me will get frazzled to a crisp!

    Helen - thanks!

    Vix - he also has some weird ideas about Colditz castle. But the less said about that the better.

    Sonshine will be stoked to learn that you liked his cartoons. He'll be quite unbearable actually lol!

    Ali x


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