20 May 2011

Hestia and The Rapture

Bring on the spitfires!!
For those of you who spend too much time on Facebook and Twitter, it may have come to your attention that at 6pm on Saturday evening, God is apparently going to descend from heaven and basically stub the universe out on the sole of his sandal.  Yes, The Rapture will be upon us and the universe will be ended!

Repent ye sinners, yes Simon Cowell, creator of The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent, I'm looking at YOU.

I am assured that the faithful will be caught up in a glorious whirlwind and taken up to heaven, but the rest of YOU will be condemned to the fiery BBQ of Hell.  So my dilemma is this:

a) what should I pack in my overnight bag for spending eternity in heaven (what do you mean, household goddesses aren't on God's Getting In To Heaven list?). What is the SS11 catwalk look for saved souls?Sackcloth and ashes isn't really me, I'm afraid.

b) should I buy more than half a pint of milk today when I'm out? Just in case?

c)  Will God wait until after Dr Who is finished tomorrow night?

c) who wants to sit beside me at the back of the bus?  Bring Your Own Bottle.


  1. Hysterical.
    I am *technically* a Christian but totally heretical by most standards and this rapture stuff makes me cringe greatly.
    Why don't they grow up and let God be God, not some evil daddy figure they can whinge to.
    rant over!

  2. Dear Alison, And here I was thinking that experiencing rapture was simply putting my feet up and having total control of the channelchanger! Maybe, if I play my cards right, this will be me at the appointed hour. It seems like quite a high risk strategy to be so precise about timing - I wonder whether the people concerned have developed a contingency plan? I just saw an article about an enterprising business seeking to pair up atheists to care for the pets of those who expect to make the grade. I am smiling as I write! Lindaxxx

  3. I too was mostly concerned about Doctor Who. Does that mean I'm going down?

  4. Well I wasn't concerned about Doctor Who until now. Do you think the rapture will take the time difference into consideration? I'm not sure it will be fair if ya'll find out something awesome and I have to wait until I'm sitting on the back of the bus to get spoilers...

    P.S. I always bring my own bottle.

  5. if it does happen, i'll be doubly pissed off: one, that god does indeed exist and he's as big of a wanker as his followers have been making him out to be and two, that we went through all of this bullshit stress with bankers and lawyers and crap (oh my!) and won't even get to spend one day in our new apartment.

    sadly, i don't think my born again christian days have stuck and once the holiness rubs off it's over...

  6. I'll sit on the back seat with you! There was a song we used to sing when I was 11, quite appropriate I think....

    Ten little angels all dressed in red,
    tried to get to heaven on the end of a bed,
    but the bedpost was broken,
    down they all fell
    they couldnt get to heaven so they all went to...
    nine little angelsss...

    I'll bring the gin :)

  7. Don't worry, they'll be broadcasting Dr. Who in heaven. Otherwise who would want to go?

  8. I was Googling "End Of The Road" festival tickets last week and got "end of the world" instead. Do you think it's a sign? Leave me a seat on the back of the bus, too. I'll bring a bottle. xxx

  9. Bugger; as it's already 6:30am here in NZ, we've only got 12 hours left.
    Does that mean tonight's Rugby will be cancelled? The God of the Universe is going to have to fight it out with the Rugby Gods of Aoteroa, and I bet I know who's got a better ruck.

    As far as the list of things to go into your overnight bags is concerned, don't be silly. I've never ever known a lady who has the willpower to keep the number of things to something reasonable. What about the:
    Spare pair of clean panties?
    Sanitary accessories?
    Kitchen Sink?
    Address book for sending postcards?
    Spare high-heel shoes and the black dress just in case something formal is arranged.

    I could go on, but I won't.
    Book me a seat at the back, it sounds like good company, don't worry about the bottle; I'll bring a crate of whisky and a box of wine.

    Be seein' y'all

  10. Crikey. I should probably have spent my last Friday on earth doing something more exciting than drinking Prosecco and watching CSI shouldn't I?

    On the plus side, there's still another bottle left in the fridge. I'll bring it with me. This bus sounds like fun.

  11. More comments tomorrow, but in answer to Helen's point - it's 6pm on Saturday evening, everywhere. So if it's 6pm on Saturday in Australia before it's 6pm in Scotland, then the Aussies will be going to heaven first. It will roll out, like New Year celebrations, I'd imagine.

    That is, if anyone in that area is destined for heaven *doubtful face*

  12. Kiwis yes, (we already live in Heaven)
    Aussies no.

  13. A small comment to Twisted: Fair suck of the saveloy, mate ; )

  14. Don't come the raw prawn with me yah drongo :=)

  15. well thank god for that......I can ignore this rather demanding credit card bill then!!xx

  16. Definitely put me down for a seat on the back of the bus. I have a bottle in my handbag. Much love xx

  17. I was in Newcastle at 6 and the world definitely looked as if it was ending, but then I remembered this is what it is always like on a Saturday night.


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