2 Jun 2010

Hestia becomes Our Lady of Perpetual Menstruation

First off - this is not a blog posting for the chaps in the ranks, so look away now if the discussion of blood loss makes you feel wobbly. Although - if you have any sense, lads - you WILL read this and perhaps be more sympathetic to your own Goddess when she's got her monthlies.

I am typing this to you from atop several folded towels where I am perched like a very angry crow, cawing irritatedly at Sonshine and Hubby. Both of whom have been slinking around silently in the shadows for the past couple of days like caterpillars who don't want to be pecked to death.

Yes folks, I'm at the Time of Life when the Time of the Month fairy seems to have taken up permanent residence at my house and, as a result, I seem to be in a constant state of either pre-mentrual or post-menstrual stress.

My usually long and hard-to-light fuse has been cut to a scant 2" and woe-betide anyone who sets light to that blue touch-paper.  Be warned, setting light to that paper can involve something as innocent as asking me if I want a coffee...or a million pounds.

I've adopted a whole load of new vocabulary of vitreol to make the experience much more satisfying - at least from my point of view.  Here's one I can share with you: 'feculant'.  Thank you Fifie :-)

Slotted between the pre- and the post-menstrual moodiness/urge to inflict violence is the REALLY awful bit.  My monthlies have taken on tsunami proportions and it's deeply upsetting and disconcerting.

Instead of lasting about a week and being rather delicate and mainly unobtrusive, like a well-behaved Head Girl -  my monthlies have transformed into a 4-day splat-fest with about as much subtlety as a Vegas Elvis impersonator.

Without a word of a lie (honestly!) going out for coffee has become impossible. I need access to a loo every 30 minutes to prevent, um, leakage.  Sitting in the one position for too long can result in real unpleasantness which did, once, reduce me to tears.

But the nights are worst.  Remember that scene in the Godfather where the millionaire race-horse owner wakens up with his horse's head in the bed? Well, THAT's my nights.   So I end up feeling knackered AND with that constant simmering anger just bubbling away beneath the surface.......

I feel so sorry for Sonshine and Hubby who periodically (ha!) discover this pecking harridan lurking in their midst instead of the usual even-tempered, Hestia. 

The Doctor has assured me that this all quite normal and that this is NOT yet the menopause, this is only the peri-menopause.  And it could go on like this for YEARS.

Woopee-fecking-do. There's a result.  Not.

I have developed a theory though.

I think that the Gods have given us the peri-menopause so that we are so bloody (pardon the pun) grateful for the cessation of hostilities in the knicker department that we embrace the bloodless coup of the menopause open-armed and with white trousers once again restored to our wardrobes.

And, with that thought, I'm off to buy some liver and stout.......


  1. Other things rich in iron are dark chocolate, curry powder and red wine :D
    But this is why I have a gynaecologist appointment this month - Dr. offered me a few hormonal options - yuk. I want an endometrial ablation
    No reason to put up with this at all.

  2. Eat cake (hormone cake)

  3. Viv - not sure how I feel about the ablation. It seems a bit cruel to one's long-suffering womb to microwave it. But with general anaesthetic, it might be ok....

    Ania - now you are TALKING! Menopause CAKE - I would bet that it was a woman who came up with that particular solution.

    Ali x

  4. Corrine Kenner2 June 2010 at 16:26

    OMG Alison. OMG! I think you need a second or a third opinion. Your quality of life can't be good if you're sitting on towels. Have you ever had an IUD? I had a new kind put in two years ago, and shortly afterward my periods just stopped. That's very common, and it was my main reason for getting an IUD. This way, too, my doctor said I could slide right into menopause and never know it. (I'm 45.)

  5. Ali, Have you tried a Mooncup? I have extremely heavy flow during my period(the doctors say this, oh how special I feel), and find them very good, though you do have to empty it once and hour on uber-heavy days. I were a sanitary pad at the same time on those ones to catch overspill.

    Have you been to the doctor? It can't be fun being grumpy all the time. There must be something hormoney they can give you to help a bit. IN the meantime, drink gin!

  6. this is so familiar.....
    I suffer with endometriosis, fibroids and ovarian cysts. Nothing they do has helped anything for long and I refuse to have The Final Solution, based on the fact that it will NOT ease the endometriosis.
    I plan on being a bloke in my next life.

  7. Zen - my monthlies came today and I feel absolutely knackered. But still, I console myself with the fact that the ol' hormones are good for the skin etc.

    Would Viv's solution of the endometrial ablation help your symptoms? It seems to keep things down to a dull roar for her and keeps things still quite 'natural'?

    I don't know what would be worse, coming back as a woman with its attendant troubles or coming back as a man and having to stare at a willie all day and boring clothes.

    Ali x


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