18 Mar 2016

On being an author :-D

Dear Reader,

I have written a book.

It's a Tarot book and it has taken me an absolute dog's age to get it mobilised and actually on to Amazon.  Where it goes on sale tomorrow.

I made it available as a pre-order the day before yesterday.  Already the highs and lows of an author's life are making themselves known:

1     Anxiety

Have I actually loaded up the correct version of the book? What hideous consequences will there be for me if I have loaded up The Wrong Version.  Which, given the state of my desktop, as well as my desk, is entirely possible.

This anxiety is very closely related to the #2 concern ...

2    What if everyone hates it?

Yes, you write this thing and you hope for the best, but what if it's not what people think that it is and you leave everyone disappointed and frustrated and not wanting to read anything that you ever write, again?

3   Support from unexpected places - delightful

Over the past couple of days I've received e-mails of support from some unexpected places and it's been absolutely lovely.  People that I didn't think would be bothered have been very kind.

I am making a list of everyone who has been lovely and in my own little way, I shall do my very best to be as lovely to them when I get an opportunity to support THEM.  There's still time to get on my list  *grin*

4  Marketing

I have mailshot (What might be the verb for sending out mailshots? Mailshit? Mailshat?!) over 1,000 people.  All of whom are the book's target market, so that's good.  However, every time I mention the excitement of the rankings saga on Facebook, I totally neglect to add a link to my book. Thank God for Ebil Twin Viv who has taken it upon herself to follow me around the internet dropping the link in where required.

5 Amazon rankings fever:

At noon, I find that I am the no 11 best-selling tarot e-book in Amazon UK.  I am beyond thrilled.

By 5pm I discover this:

I AM GOING THE WRONG WAY!!!  *hyperventilating panic sets in*

I start compulsively reloading the page, hoping that it will suddenly start going up again.

I am praying to all sorts of gods and promising all sorts of unrealistic things (please God, let my rankings improve and I'LL GIVE UP CAKE)


At this point I am head down over the keyboard, despondent.  The dream is over:  I am bombing down the list faster than Nicola Sturgeon at a Tory Party Conference.

My compulsive clicking to refresh the statistics screen is getting on Tartarus's nerves.  AND I have an AGM to attend.  Reluctantly, I drag myself away from the screen and go and talk about clean beaches for two hours.

Back home.  The first thing I do is rush upstairs to check the statistics. Not even stopping to pat the dog's head.  Not even stopping to pat Tartarus's head.  If this is what all authors do, I'm surprised that their partners haven't stabbed them during the night with a rolled up Penguin novel.

I log on:

OH MY GOD!   Oh my GOD!  I'm in the Top 10 Tarot e-books on Amazon UK.  It is 8.45pm and I need scraped off the ceiling I am so high.

I go downstairs to tell Tartarus and Sonshine.  We settle down to watch Guy Martin fight it out with David Coulthard.  But I can't concentrate.  I am thinking of best-seller lists and adulation and acclaim and cheering crowds and being invited back to my old school to talk about my RAGING success as an author...

In the last advert break, I can stand it no longer and thunder back upstairs to check my statistics ....


I go to bed, but I cannot sleep.  I am so excited that even the anxiety of the whole thing turning to shit in my hands is fading into the background.

I am awake at 6am but know that there will be a complete familial meltdown if I get up to go and check on my Amazon statistics before the dog has even woken up.  I lie in bed fantasising about buying a sports car...

As soon as it is a decent hour (ie daylight), I bound through to the computer:

I am #4 not just for Tarot, but also New Age ... and in the Top 10 for Divination as a whole.  I am nearly weeing myself with excitement.  I am in the TOP FIVE.  This is as good as sex! From what I remember.

I wonder how things might be progressing in the other versions of Amazon and nervously click on the Dutch shop.  I have two Dutch friends.  Only one of them is interested in Tarot and THERE ... well, look for yourself ....

I'm number TWO for e-books in Engels ... and Gezondheids!!

I brace myself and head over to the big one.... Amazon US....

And there it is... THERE IT IS!!!!! I am the NUMBER ONE SELLING TAROT E-BOOK ON AMAZON US*!!!!!

Reader, I take the dog for his walk :

'Here is the NOSTEOAUS* out walking her dog.'
'Here is the NOSTEOAUS picking up her dog's poop.'
'Here is the NOSTEOAUS walking with her increasingly disgruntled partner.'
'Here is the NOSTEOAUS running away from him up the beach before he can physically gag her from mentioning AGAIN that she is a NOSTEOAUS.'
'Here is the NOSTEOAUS eating a celebratory lemon meringue cheesecake slice.  For her breakfast.'

It is now nearly 4pm and this means that for most of today I have been a number one best-selling tarot e-book author.  *clicks just to make sure*

Being married to J K Rowling must be insufferable :-D


  1. Fabulooous! I will be buying it just as soon as payday funds hit. I am currently working with this brilliant deck for a tarot challenge on Instagram.
    Well done you and roll on the end of the month :)

    BB Helen

  2. Never doubted for a second that you'd become a best selling author. You deserve this after all your hard work (it's a brilliant book). Just get yourself a tipple, and swish your hair all around as you annoy Tartarus ... *because you're worth it* ;)

    1. You were a massive help, Sara. I've given you a name check and a link for Northern Editorial at the beginning <3

  3. Glad you remembered the link this time ! :) Congratulations, you totally deserve it :) xx

    1. Many thanks - also many thanks for following me around facebook with the link :-D <3

  4. ROFLMAO. You really should write more :D

    1. I don't want to be giving people too much of a good thing, yanno? :-D

  5. This is so wonderful!!! I'm utterly delighted to hear that it's doing so well — and will promptsly go and buy a copy. May the good fortune continue to flood it. You're such a fabulous writer!

    1. Well thank you SO much, Jesa!!!! I really enjoyed yesterday and all the highs and lows that it brought. My moment has passed now, dropping down through the rankings like a stone in a pond. But hey, Andy Warhol was right - 15 minutes of fame!!! <3

    2. P.S. Grammar-wise I'm going with mailshotted, but in the arse-clenchingly funny category I adored your mailshat :D :D :D

  6. Wow, super mega exciting!!! :D Do you know, I didn't once check my stats on amazon, not even sure how I'd go about it. Am I just laid back, or daft? It sounds so fun, but then again, your stats were amazing and fabulous (and well deserved) ;)

  7. I'm delighted for you. But surely the cards could have told you you would be number one? :)

    Seriously, that's great news. Always good when someone manages to get off this virtual blathering and into print. Congrats! A glass of port in your direction.


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