2 Jun 2011

Hestia....is tidy, but has mislaid Tartarus

Just keep spinning, just keep spinning......
So, he was due to leave the ship in some Godforsaken port in Mexico yesterday morning and at around 2pm his time, there was still no new crew had arrived to change over with.  He rattled off a typically Tartarus missive to me 'Delayed: will forward new travel plans when received.'

I typed back: 'Wilco. Over and Out.' And twirled my handlebar moustache.

Operation Tidy The House The Fuck Up Cos Your Dad's Coming Home had already swung into top gear.  But given the fact that I still can't bend down or reach up high without developing a pain in my newly gallbladderless innnards, this means that 'top gear' is only at Jeremy Clarkson level, not Ayton Senna level.

It really needs to be at Ayton Senna level.  Atyon Senna On Amphetamines.

You will be pleased to know that I remembered to put the bin-bag out in the bin this time.  I even gave it a swirl round with a bit of Domestos.

I also remembered to remove all the cures for cancer that I had percolating at the back of the fridge.

Reader, I have even emptied the Compost Bin (which usually sits breeding tiny flies for the full six weeks Tartarus is out the country).

I have darned the hole in the pocket of his black jeans.  OK, so I used bright orange tapestry wool (see: failing eyesight from sitting at this god-damned computer all day), but the job is done.  And the orange wool means that he will always be seen by the helicopter rescue team if he gets lost climbing Ben Nevis.

It could happen.

I took the empty glasses from the side of my bed down to the kitchen and washed them out.  One of them actually had a little cloud of something growing on the surface.  On a glass of water that's quite something.  I can assure you that I have not been spraying it on Spanish cucumbers and posting them off to Germany.

I have cleaned down the toilet, with Domestos and a brush. Not a toothbrush.  Well, not HIS toothbrush.  Not this time anyway.

All the washing and ironing is done.  With the exception, of course, of the things that have lain at the bottom of the laundry basket since before Sonshine was born (they're dry clean only and it's a total palaver to get dry cleaning done here - time it wrong and you're trouserless for two weeks.  I just go dirty. Besides that dress is now two sizes too small)

Reader, I have even managed to get my roots done and my hair trimmed - I can no longer be spotted from space by my bright grey streak.  Huzzah!!

I have not managed to get waxed because, frankly, I've been through enough removals in the past month without someone trying to rip my fudd out by the roots.  I'm working the 'natural' look......

This unnatural burst of housework is like having dozens of plates spinning:  The tidiness can only go on as long as I manage to keep all the plates going round.  If he's delayed by more than 24 hours, I will end up surrounded by broken crockery and the usual pile of house-hold detrius (old newspapers, mysterious sticky things down the sofa, herds of wildebeest dust bunnies on the stair carpet, knickers on the bathroom floor, soapscum in the sink...yanno, REAL life).

I have no idea where he is.  Hopefully en route.  Hopefully sober.  Well, soberish would do.  And hopefully not smelling like he's been in a bar in Mexico airport for a straight 24 hours.  If anyone strikes a match near him the resulting conflagration will make the London Blitz look like a cocktail sparkler.

Sonshine took the news that his father was not enroute stoically. 'Has he gone to see his Mexican family then?' he asked.  This stems from a joke alternative reality which I created years ago for Tartarus.  In that reality, he does not go to Mexico to work, rather he goes to spend 6 weeks with a whole nother family - his Mexican wife is called Consuela and his Mexican son is called Jesus.  I imagine Consuela to be a pleasant, hard-working lady and young Jesus looks like an extra from A Fistful of Dollars.

I have jokingly said that Tartarus can bring Jesus home any time he likes  because Sonshine could do with a brother and let's be honest, that's so NOT going to happen.  That cafe is now closed.

I explained to Sonshine AGAIN that his dad doesn't REALLY have a Mexican family.  There is no Consuela.  There is no Jesus.  He looks mildly disappointed. 

As do I.  I could really do with Consuela moving in to help with the housework.

Hope you all have much more fabulous things planned for your weekends than housework!


  1. Does the man realise you are meant to be RECUPERATING! If you make the house look too good this time, it'll only have to look twice as good next time, when you are meant to be back to ayrton senna levels of godessness. hope he makes his whereabouts known soon ;)

  2. I spent all last weekend doing housework like a complete lunatic because we had guests coming. A week of having a 5 year old in the house and you really do wonder why you bothered. It'll take similar amounts of effort this weekend to get it back to normal and frankly I don't think I can be arsed. I hear the sun will be shining so I'll probably be out reading in the garden instead.

  3. My life at home is all housework. Mrs Legend is unaware of the hoover (or a dust pan) location and use of, as well as the location of the washing machine, but not the laundry basket. Meals appear as if by magic, and dishes put themselves back in the cupboard.....or so it seems. It is vastly over rated, so you have the best policy.
    Great post as usual. It is so nice to delve back into the blogosphere.

  4. Dear Alison, You sound like the veritable goddess you are! It is quite unpleasant the state one can work oneself into when one feels one is going to be judged. I get that way when my mother-in-law comes to visit - she found my housekeeping wanting nine years ago and I still remember the sting of shame. These days I am prepared but possibly not as warm as I once was. I hope that your husband comes home simply happy to be with you and Sonshine and finds fault with nothing and no one. Lindaxxx

  5. Dearest Ali, I absolutely LOVE your posts on your lack of domestic goddessness. I loved every word of that. Orange thread on his black jeans? The Mexican other family? Brilliant and extremely funny.

    I find a cleaner once a week, definitely a dishwasher (I can't bear washing up) and a quick tidy before bed is the only way for me. Otherwise a skip is necessary. I'm not tidy but I manage this way.

    Love you xx

  6. Ship? Mexico? Confused! Have not been following long enough to understand - any chance of a quick recap for we newbies?

    Sarah xxx

  7. Well here I am commenting at 4.30am and that is because mine is not in Mexico but snoring at the side of me all night! I love tidy and clean I'm just not very good at it myself, and the problem with housework is that it is pointless because it is never 'done' - like the Forth Road Bridge - you start at one end and by the time you get to the other it needs doing again x

  8. Mrs P - Oh I hear you, that's why I only tidy up in the few days before hubby comes home. For the rest of the 6 weeks, it slides into a Brazilian favela.....

    Misfits - sooooreee! Hubby is Tartarus. He works abroad on a dive boat - in the Gulf of Mexico. He works away for 6 weeks at a time (hence my ability to blog morning, noon and night!)

    Christina - I might get in a lady to help, just for those few days before he comes home! Can't believe your latest post - there's a PAINTING acting as a splashback!

    Linda - fortunately, my mother in law is dead. Well, that didn't come out quite right, but you know what I mean! She was the Queen of Tidy. When she died and we were emptying out her house, it was like clearing out a show house - even the drawers were tidy. When I die, we'll need a fleet of skips to clear out my tat.

    Legend - what a LEGEND you are! Musician! Chef! Tidy person! *bows down and worships*

    Alex - oh you don't want to tidy up when a 5 year-old comes to visit. Just sellotape polystyrene to sharp corners and make sure there's plenty of drink for the sleep-deprived parents!

    Trashsparkle - no-one could ever properly say that I work too hard. I'm just making a little bit of effort to make the house look less squalid!

  9. I'm with you on the housework front...Christina is fixing me up with her cleaner but I need to give the place a good clean first.....xx

  10. Darling..if you ever find a way to keep those plates a spinnin let me know.

    Seems like our house is your house, only with a Dtr instead of a Sonshine...(plus 2 dogs, an evil black cat and a hard done by hamster)

    I could never have a cleaner...in an area where everyone knows everyone else you know what its like...your filth would soon be the talk of the county and the cancer cures would result in men in bright yellow suits and a robotic arm...hell...we live too close to Dounreay to even contemplate such a thing ;)

    S xx

  11. Hmmm - before you kill yourself with housework, I'd check the cctv at Catalunya (Moto GP) and Isle of Man (TT) - if my husband had 'travel problems' this weekend he'd either be at one or another!!!

    How cute it will be to adopt little Jesus - is he the same age as Sonshine? - I'm sure he'll be an asset to the local football team. xxx

  12. Hilarious as always. And someones comment about the Forth rail bridge - soo true. My darned house always looks like it's been burgled and my boyfriend (who thankfully doesn't live with me) has OCD. I guess opposites attract!! xx Claire

  13. You poor sod, having to tackle that lot whilst recouperating. I hope Tartarus appreciates your magnificent efforts when he finally gets back home.
    I'm quite liking the sound of Jesus, how old is he?
    I invited friends to stay in a moment of drunken magnamity last weekend and have just realised the lst time the spare room saw a Hoover was November, looks like I'm going to be busy. xxx

  14. Vix - In my mind's eye, Jesus is younger than Sonshine (because I reckon the other family only came about after Sonshine was born lol!). So he's coming up for 10 this year, I believe ;-)

    Butterfly - ALL MEN ARE OCD - that's a FACT :-) They're all on a sliding scale of OCDness.....

    Mrs Exeter - he is booked to go to Assen in a couple of weekend's time, so if he is actually at the racing at the moment, I shall be VERY cross!!!!

    Sage - I have a very hard-done-by hamster too. Poor Nibbles has been cleared out ONCE in six weeks. I am resolute in my decision not to end up being Nibbles's mother too. Although I do feed him and play with him before I go to bed at night.

    YaH - a cleaner sounds like a sensible option.

    Ali xxxxx

  15. darling, when they say "dryclean only," they don't really mean it. really! i was once told by a salesgirl at a very posh store that she always downgrades it by one - if it says "dryclean" she hand washes, and if it says "hand wash" she washes it in a machine on delicate, and i've been following her advice ever since with not a single solitary mess-up. that's my gift to you.

  16. I am shocked, shocked to see that such slovenly behaviour is so prevalent in the "female" blogging community.

    As a hard working husband and father of two, I expect my home to be spotless when I arrive back after a hard day's work.

    I expect my beloved to have my slippers warmed and ready, and my offspring standing to attention ready for my inspection.

    I expect a hot, tasty, yet inexpensive meal on the table within 6.5 minutes of my scheduled arrival.

    I expect copious amounts of whisky and sex to be available at all times.

    I expect my beloved will refrain from "nagging" me about any unfinished tasks about the house.

    I also expect to see the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause and many, many flying pigs.

    While my expectations may tend to be a little optimistic, I can assure you that Tartarus, while he may offer helpful *coughs gently behind raised fist* suggestions regarding deficient housework, will only really have eyes for you after 6 weeks away.

    Great post Ali

  17. Dear Ali, it sounds as if you have done enough housework! Hope Tartarus comes home soon and that you have a lovely lazy weekend xxx

  18. Blighty - thank you!

    TSB - hmmm - maybe. The only way his slippers will be warmed is if I scud them off his behind :-)

    Polich Chick - that may be the single most useful bit of information I've ever received!!! Thank you :-D

    Just for the record, it is now Saturday morning and I STILL have no idea where Tartarus is. I now have visions of him thrown off a plane for drunk and disorderly behaviour and a squalid Mexican jail cell filled with big men with facial tattoos making poor Tartarus their unwilling 'friend'.......

  19. I could do with a Consuela; she sounds fab. What other wifely chores could she perform?

  20. Aiyah Conchita.

    My sexi Tartarus isa stayin wit me an Jesus. If you wanna seeim agen, sen $10,000.
    He also say, he scared of t "compost bin" Who he?

    Don got no amphetamines, but can sen crack if you wan.

    Jesus sends love to Sonshine, says he wans his Transformers too.

    Lotsa Love

  21. Dear Consuela

    We meet at last.....

    I have considered your option and have decided that it's a reasonable offer. I have wired $10,000 USD to your bank account on the proviso that you KEEP Tartarus.

    I would, however, be prepared to raise Jesus as my own child - God knows, the Scottish national football team needs all the help it can get.

    Please tell Tartarus that I am selling the Ducati and going on a wee holiday with the proceeds. I have also thrown paint stripper all over the front of the Subaru and it has curled off in a most artistic manner. I'll send him a photo.

    Good luck Consuela

  22. OH has been away since Friday morning so I shall be doing the same thing tomorrow before he gets back! The place is a shit hole!

  23. Aduana (Customs)
    Dear Ms. Crass,
    we have a man in custody who has very nasty things stuck up his bottom. He says he belongs to you. Do you want him back after his fines (US$20,000)have been paid.
    He said "this is nothing. Wait until I get home and see the horror that is the bottom of the waste bin."
    We worry about his sanity.
    Please advise as to intentions.
    Do you know a Sra. Consuela de Valasquez de Puta?
    She has been screaming at us all day, and Ramón has just about had enough and wants to shoot her.

    Please make her go away. She is mucho hermosa, but screams a lot.

  24. Dear Sir

    Further to your notification that you have a package for me with $20,000 of fines attached, I can confirm that I neither ordered this package nor desire it to be delivered. In fact, I have already incurred $10,000 to ensure that the package was kept in Mexico.

    Sadly, Consuela de Valasquez de Puta IS known to me, and I would suggest that you just give Ramon the bullets he needs and we'll say no more about it.

    There may be a snotty child running around who answers to the name of Jesus Cross (deeply unfortunate, but what can you do?) and I would like him put on a plane to Glasgow Airport at the earliest opportunity.

    My apologies to you and Ramon for all the inconvenience this may have caused you.

    Yours faithfully

    A Cross

  25. HAHAHAHAHA. This is hilarious. I am glad you got the housework done. Your use of the word 'fudd' is TRULY Scottish.

  26. Has the blighter turned up yet??

  27. You crack me up always. I love you. Don't work too damn hard.

    Sorry I haven't been around more. I plead work. I don't have as much fucking off time as I used to, goddammit.



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