3 Dec 2013
I go to website and fill my little shopping basket with £20.00 worth of tat and Proceed to Checkout.
I am asked to sign in. I know that I have bought stuff from them before, but it was ages ago. I don't really want to sign in, I just want to buy the stuffs and GO.
It asks me to sign in again.
I try a few random passwords - none of which are correct.
Who's got time for this? I type in details for a new account instead.
Holdit! It tells me that there is already an account associated with that e-mail address. Yes, I know, but I can't remember the password and I just want to buy the stuff and go, ok?
It flashes up a new screen. If I have forgotten my password, they can send me a password update.
Right, send me the password update.
First fill in the e-mail address that you used to create the account.
You fucking KNOW what the e-mail is because you've just told me that it's already associated with an account. I breathe deeply and begin to type my e-mail address slowly.
Moments later a message appears in my inbox.
Click on this link to change your password.
I dutifully click on the link to change my password.
Apparently I cannot have THAT password because it has already been used as a password on this site before. I just want to buy some cheap tat for a Christmas stocking, fergodssakes. Please, just let me go to the checkout and hand you my credit card details.
Pathetically compliant to the end, I choose another password.
A little green tick appears. Hoo-fucking-ray.
I try again to proceed to checkout.
Please log in to complete your transaction.
You have GOT to be kidding me. My fingers hover over the mac, contemplating a quick frustrated hurtle through the front window. Sense prevails.
I dutifully log in using the new password and e-mail address.
Password not accepted.
I then contemplate hurtling my mug of coffee through the screen. But I resist. This will not get me the £20 worth of tat. I start to suspect that my peri-menopause IS jogging into the full-blown misery-fest of ACTUAL menopause mental break down.
I try again. Typing. Slowly. Very. Slowly. In. Fact. So. Slowly. That. I. get. my. e-mail. address. wrong.
User name and password do not match.
I briefly contemplate suicide.
I type the new password again.
The transaction progresses.....until postage and packing. That BANE of islanders. Postage and packing to the mainland is £3.60. To the islands, it shoots up to £10.00
I fire off an e-mail to their 'customer service' to ask why they don't just use the Post Office and thus treat all customers the same.
A prompt e-mail is fired back. We use a courier. It's faster and more reliable.
I look at my new invoice of £30.00.
I close the website page down. Someone will get my £20.00 - but it won't be them.
Christmas Shopping is still not off the starting blocks.
Delphic utterances by Alison Cross at 12:46
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