6 Nov 2010

Hestia....waxes lyrical

It might be the beginnings of a mid-life crisis, although I've been assured that women don't HAVE mid-life crises: we just get the menopause.....but I've been behaving VERY strangely lately. Granted - I haven't bought a sports car or left home to back pack to Papua New Guinea, but I did decide, for the first time in my life, to book a bikini wax.

There is a lovely girl works part time at my hair-dressers who does waxing and eyelash extensions (and may they NEVER be confused!) and as I plodded home up the High Street in the pissing rain the other day, very Existential Angst type thoughts began to seep through my wet hood into my goddess brain: What is life about? Why am I here? What's the point? Have I got enough milk in the fridge?  And the most frightening one of all - Am I happy?

And so I turned round, went back into town and pushed open the door of the hairdressers.

Steph:            Hello! Would you like to make an appointment?
Hestia:           Yes I would. For a waxing session with Kirsty.

My gaze flicked to the price list sellotaped to the wall and I frantically scanned it.

Steph:            What sort of session would you like? Bikini? Full leg?
Hestia:           A Full leg. And Bikini. Thanks Steph.  
'Jeez - what sort of person just books a single full leg',  I thought to myself.
                     'Make that TWO full legs and a Bikini in fact, Steph'.

Steph looked at me oddly and booked me an hour long appointment on Friday.

I raced home and went online to see what I needed to do to Prepare Myself.

Youtube told me that I needed to trim things down to a manageable length, which is why Tertarus caught me standing in the bathroom with my pants at my ankles and his nail scissors hovering guiltily around my fanny area.

Tertarus: What ARE you doing?
Hestia: I'm going for a bikini wax....and am tidying up.
Tertarus: With my nail scissors?
Hestia: It was these, my dressmaking scissors or the kitchen scissors - would you like me to swap?
Tertarus shrugged a weary 'Carry on'.

I marvelled at my handiwork in the full length mirror in the bedroom and then hauled on my pants again. And thus I learned my first lesson. You CAN trim your fanny too short.

It felt like wearing brambles for underwear. I stood with my legs apart and wondered how I was going to get through the day with a fudd that felt like it was being grated every time I moved. I dragged on the biggest loosest pair of jeans that I owned and swaggered my way gingerly downstairs.  I looked, quite honestly, like I'd shit myself.

Tertarus was reading the paper: 'What's up with you?' He asked, peering over his specs.

Honesty is always the best policy: 'I've trimmed myself too short and am now wearing horsehair underwear'.

He shot me one of his Looks and returned to his newspaper.

As the day wore on, things calmed down in my knickers...but I was asking friends what to expect from waxing. And it was scary.  I must add, at this point, that I HAVE tried waxing myself on a previous instance.  It was years ago and Tertarus was on the phone to a friend in Stornoway while I lay on the sofa watching some rubbish or other on TV with my wax-coated strips out of Boots.  I thought I'd slap one on my bikini line....and the resulting scream when I yanked it off could be clearly heard in Stornoway.  Without the phone.  Honestly, under different circumstances if you lost that much hair in one go, you'd get yourself along to A&E.  I never tried it again

By the time Bikini Wax Day dawned yesterday, I'd worked myself up into a TOTAL state.

The entire hairdressers staff was waiting on me arriving and my lovely hairdresser told me that she'd primed Kirsty to be gentle with me. Wes, the Warren Beatty of the salon assured me that it was a cake walk - that he gets his eyebrows waxed regularly. For more than the second time in my life I wondered how Mrs Wes coped with his metrosexual habits.

With many supportive pats on the back, I followed Kistry through to the back area.  And all too soon I was standing in the treatment room in my knickers and socks. And my jumper of course.

I clamboured onto the treatment table and kirsty talked me through it....and then she began.

Oh. My. God. It was.............................. absolutely FINE!!!!

She remarked on my non-flinching skills and joked that she had been kicked in the face and punched in the eye by flinching clients.

I had forgotten that I do have a rather high pain threshold:  I am, after all, the girl who lay with a case of bursting appendicitis for several days believing that I just had the world's worst case of trapped wind.

'Would you like me just to tidy that up or could you manage a Brazilian?' Asked Kirsty with a smile.

It is MY midlife crisis and I want to go mad.  'A Brazilian please, Kirsty.'

After an hour it was all over and I happily handed over my money. For a full leg and bikini wax.  Not TWO as I'd tried to book originally.  Result!

Tertarus was sitting having his afternoon smoko when I arrived back home. 'It was fine!' I announced proudly, hanging up my jacket and simultaneously unfastening my belt. 'Want to see?'

Tertarus nodded: I unzipped my jeans and showed my partner of 30 years my new haircut. 'Very nice, very....tidy.' he remarked turning back to his Evo magazine and biscuits.

He'd inspected me in much the same way as one might read a postcard from a distant land. Nice to look at, but I could tell that Tertarus wasn't planning a visit any time soon.

So, my mid-life crisis continues.....


  1. Can't wait to read future posts on your mid life crisis especially if they are as funny as this. I highly recommend aloe vera gel available from Holland and Barrett's really stops the itching on those tidying up trims!

  2. I just laughed so hard I need a wee.

    Tip - next time you do a pre-wax trim, get in the shower and put a bit of conditioner on your ladybits hair, leave it 5 minutes and then wash it off. it softens things up a bit!

  3. Hilarious! Are you going to keep your new 'do or grow it out? I have a bikini wax once a year before we go on our summer holiday - but I never trim, and as for conditioning...is that on Youtube too?

  4. Hilarious post loves it I cannot believe that you have not had a wax before LOL ,...30 years I have been at it..
    All you need now are some new panties from Wicked Weasel;) ...Make sure you use a body scrub .. I always found they drove me mad growing through and would get the odd ingrowing hair.. One of the better things about getting older is the hair gets less, plus thirty years of waxing .. I now have bought a Venus with battery trimmer attachment and shave .. brazilian..landing strip and all off... depending on my mood and no pain xx

  5. Oh I know that feeling so well! Please somwone offer this woman a book deal, I can't miss my Hestia fix every few days and more people should know about you.
    However note to self, don't read while your toddler is facing the other way as the sudden loud gawffaws reduced her to tears today!

  6. Dear Ali, that's hilarious. I love your stories!!

    I've been having Brazilian's for nearly twenty years. The hair gives up growing back after a while which is good. There's some stuff by Skin Doctor called Ingrow Go. I suggest you get it if it's the first time as you'll be much more likely to get ingrown hairs. You just put a bit on every couple of days with a cotton wool pad and it will stop it happening totally.

    The Actor takes the piss as I the tiniest little stripe left, it's hardly worth bothering. The last time my beautician went on holiday her stand in accidentally waxed it all off. I thought it might be a bit Gary Glitter but The Actor said he preferred it!

    I'm shocked Tetarus wasn't showing more interest! Boys normally love it tell him!! Time for some sexy underwear I think. Ruth and I are experts if you need any help xx

  7. I've got to stop reading your posts when others are around. I'm getting a reputation for laughing by myself.

  8. I've just got home after a couple of days away.Sat on the bed reading this with tears streaming down my face.
    Youngest just been in to ask if I'm ok,absolutely fantastic..a classic..

  9. I know where you are going with the plucked chicken! I like to have a change every so often, all or nothing or something in between but I do think brazilian waxing makes you sweat a bit unless you take a pain killer before you go! The best I have found is hot wax and no fabric strips, it doesn't pull at the skin so much. I too am shocked that Tertarus wasn't more interested. Got my Monday off to a great start though, thank you!

  10. Oh you have made my rubbish grumpy Monday sooo much better! Hilarious! And you're braver than me, I've never had my bits waxed. Maybe it's time I did!! xx

  11. Hmm....haven't waxed since before the kids; praps my pain threshold has gone up enough to try again ? Have always shaved, 'cept for when pregnant with DS - couldn't see under the bump ;-)

  12. hilarious.......legs are one thing but never, ever try to do the nether regions yourself....I find it's an instant cure for a hangover!! In NY it was the Russians that ran the waxing world and what those women don't know about hair isn't worth knowing....

  13. Let me know whether the pain is worth it. Growth is always painful. Laugh.

    Love you!

  14. congratulations! i've never had a brazilian, just a little sideburn wax now and again.

    i find it funny (read: sad) that mr. monkey never ever notices when i have had a haircut, no matter how dramatic, but whenever i give myself a little trim, he's on it within seconds.

    i once tried to do a self bikini wax when i was a single girl. i ended up weeping in my kitchen unable to finish the job and peeling bits of wax from my crotch for weeks. never again. always hire a professional.

  15. You are very brave. I heard it hurts like a bitch.



  16. Hilarious.

    Next time let me know in advance, and I'll be happy to send over my rechargable beard trimmer.
    It's given me good service for over 25 years, so I'd be greatful if you sterilised it before returning it to sunny NZ.

    Keep it short.



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