13 Feb 2011

Hestia....and the long dark tea-time of the soul

Last night it happened again.  The night of agony that I spent standing bolt upright and panting shallowly in the hotel bathroom in London last October, struck again.

As I got ready for bed last night I was aware of a twist of pain on my right side.  I wondered whether it might be the return of the London Pain and went to bed.  Within 30 minutes I was in agony.  And that's not a light-hearted Hestia-type exaggeration.  It was AGONY.  It was worse than appendicitis agony and nearly as bad as Jedward agony.



No amount of position changing brought any relief and eventually I got out of bed and padded through to the bathroom for some co-codemol.  I took one horse-sized tablet and hung over the sink trying engage a God in a spot of bargain-making.

As a card-carrying Pagan, I wonder whether everyone does this.  Does a belief in a controlling power, bigger than ourselves (God, Source, whatever) constitute a human's default setting? Is it simply that at a basic level, we still hope for a Parent to fix things for us? When we experience our own personal dark tea-time of the soul, do we all, even Christopher Hitchens, get down on our knees in the darkness and ask....something....to help us?

'Please God, if you can just take this pain away I'll do whatever you want.  ANYTHING,' I moaned into the old Victorian sink beneath the endlessly whirring extractor fan.

I didn't have a fever, so that was good. Wasn't it? But I felt absolutely vile.  Would going to the loo help? No it did not.  Would making myself sick help?  It did - marginally.

The painkiller wasn't even touching the sides of the pain and I started to wonder, in all seriousness, whether I might die.

Should I get myself up to the hospital? It's only a 10 minute walk away.  But what about Sonshine? I couldn't just leave him in his bed.  And what would happen to him if I went to the hospital and had to be admitted?  Should I phone my Day Carer and her husband and ask them for help?  By this time it was after 3 am.

I didn't want to go to the hospital in case it was not important and I was disturbing them. I didn't want to phone my Day Carer and her hubby for the same reason.

How odd.  I was struggling to cope with indescribable pain and yet my over-riding concern was not to disturb people.  If I make it through tonight, I promised myself grimly, I'm really going to have to look at how I see myself.


I get very introspective when I feel ill. I examine my life and find it wanting.  I feel myself toppling into an abyss of inky realisation that my life is just one tiny spark between two endless silences - and I am angry with myself for squandering it.  Then I get angry with myself for not ever knowing quite what to do with it.  It has been such a waste.  Studying Existentialism at Uni only ever comes in handy when you are convinced that you're about to peg it.

Grim, isn't it? This is what I think about when I feel ill and alone.  It's not happy stuff.  Yet in everyday life, I am always seeking the humour in even the least appropriate situation. What is THAT about? I wished that Tertarus was home.


I took another pain killer and went downstairs to my never-sleeping friend: the internet.  Tears of relief began to leak down my face as, at last, the overwhelming pain started to recede.

I googled my pain - gallstones.  It was almost definitely gallstones.

After the day of cake mixture eating and baking AND a very tasty portion of leg of lamb (eaten VERY late at night), my bile duct was clearly in open revolt.

By the time I drifted off to a dreamless sleep, I had almost forgotten my ridiculous wheedling and bargaining with God.

Almost.

19 comments:

  1. You need to do a gallbladder flush - requires a couple of days of drinking olive oil and lemon juice in water.

    http://www.sensiblehealth.com/

    xx

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  2. oh my ..... I do hope you're feeling better........what scary stuff the night time can bring, why does the wardrobe alway turns into a monster...... and yes it does beg the question often on the minds of those of us who sleep alone: if you choke in the night and nobody hears you, do you die????

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  3. You are not alone, illness always strikes at the most inconvenient times and we all pray to something to make the pain go away whether we are believers or not, (Henry the VIII, was a prime example, returning to the catholic faith on his deathbed and wanting absolution, oh the cheek!)
    Ali, don't mess about, go to the doctors! And put your mind at rest.
    XXX

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  4. Oh Ali, that sounds the most hideous pain, and your husband was away, the pits. You are very brave. hope the doctor can sort out what it was and stop it happening again. At least you think about the big issues when you are up against it, I think about nail polish colours - shallow or what?xx

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  5. I hope you see a doctor and not wait for the next bout. Its a bit tricky this self diagnosis.

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  6. Hope you're feeling better Ali and you should get some proper medical advice too. Love the phrase 'life is just one tiny spark between two endless silences.'

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  7. Agree with the previous comments you should get checked out though a friend of mine had gallstones and she was adamant the pain was worse than childbirth.You're obviously a deep thinker which isn't always the easiest way to be.Hope you're ok.

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  8. You poor wee soul. Night-time pain is always worse. There's little to distract you from the waves of agony. Watching TV at 3am just seems to make it worse. or maybe that's just the usual reaction to what's on TV at 3am.
    I agree with the comments above. Go and see a doctor, although the olive oli and lemon juice method does seem intriguing, if not particularly tasty.

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  9. yes, get thee to a doctory, post haste! this isn't something you can put off, ali!

    as for god, as a staunch atheist, i have been known to plead with some unnamed power whilst in the midst of a horrific toothache - i walked around the house and alternately wept, cursed, hollered, and prayed (to i know not what).

    but in my day to day life, i usually only use the unknown god as someone i can utter thanks to. i have found thankfulness to be incredibly healthy to cultivate, but it is useful to have something to thank.

    again - doctor! NOW!

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  10. I hope you are feeling better and that you get to the doctor. When things are rough I want someone to come and make it all better too. As I get a little bit older the realization that the only person who can do that is me is really biting.

    x

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  11. Yes, I second all of the above, go to a doctor immediately. If it is gallstones and the gall bladder needs to come out, the sooner the better (I speak from experience).

    If you wait, the attacks will become more frequent and more painful and you run the risk of the gall bladder bursting-which entails emergency surgery and a big scar, instead of laparoscopic surgery (tiny scars and almost no down time). Hope you feel much better soon.

    Maggie

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  12. You poor thing I have had two friends who have suffered with this and apparently it is worse than child birth ... Look after yourself Ali xx

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  13. Ali my love GO TO THE DOCTOR. Gallstones are not awfully serious but they can be.

    I don't want you to be in pain!!!

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  14. Hi Ali, Go get it checked out, and If you are ever in that pain again, call your friends. They care about you, for (insert deity here) sake.

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  15. Dear Ali, you poor thing! You must go to the doctor. The advice Kate's given is good. My friend did that and it worked. I always find self diagnosis on the internet makes me think I'm on my death bed!

    And don't worry, we all have those times where we wonder what the hell we're doing with our time. I have a PhD in wasting time. Hope you're ok, love C xx

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  16. Thank you, thank you, thank you all SO much for your best wishes and good advice.

    Went to Doc on Monday and he scheduled me for bloods this morning (got a bit fainty, but otherwise all went well) an an ultrasound on my abdomen next Wednesday.

    Unfortunately, every little twinge of indigestion or *cough* wind is making me paranoid that I've triggered another bout.

    Wish I could tell you that I have been terribly good and not had any cake, but I'd be lying.

    I've had a couple of small bits of Red Velvet Cake and it is delicious - but really sweet. Have given most of cake away. Should have a photo to upload somewhere though.

    Thanks again - you're all lovely!!!

    Ali x

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  17. Geesh, Ali, if something hurts that damn bad, it is definitely hospital-worthy. Hear me? You wouldn't want to leave your family without a loving mum because you didn't want to bother somebody. Hear me? I mean it.

    And I love you. Glad the pain is gone, but please have it checked out.

    SB

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  18. ALI, I'M SO SORRY HEAR THAT YOU ARE NOT WELL, AND NOT AT HOME EITHER.
    I JUST POPPED OVER HERE TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS FOR ME, ON BLIGHTY'S COMMENTS.
    I REALLY WANTED TO AGREE WITH YOU THT I ABSOLUTELY COVET THAT HOUSE IN SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE.
    WAS IT AMAZING OR WHAT, I WOULD DIE FOR THAT HOME - BUT ..... NOT TO KEEN ON THE THOUGHT OF CLEANING IT.

    PLEASE GO TO THE DOC, AND MAKE IT A REPUTABLE ONE TOO.
    BEST WISHES,
    LOUISE
    inTownsville

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  19. You poor thing.. that kinda pain is the worst. I really hope it goes away. Best wishes your way dear

    Leon

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