The letter came home from school about a fortnight ago with all the details of the Hallowe'en School Disco. 'Are you going?' I asked my Sonshine. I was met with a look of disdain and a snort. That would be a 'no' then.
Cut to Monday and Sonshine announces that he has changed his mind and he IS going to the disco. On the Thursday. As a Zombie Abraham Lincoln.
I know. I don't know where get gets it from. Probably the Simpsons.
Anyway after a bit of a panic on Twitter, my lovely needle-friendly friends convinced me that a Zombie Abe was totally achievable.
So I set about crocheting him an Abe Lincoln style chin-strap beard. He could wear the suit he got for the wedding last October and, well, how hard could it be to make a stovepipe hat?
Reader, it was during our crochet session that Sonshine casually announced to me that he was starting Sex Education Lessons with Mrs S.
'oh?' I said, deep in the tangles of my triple crochet.
'Yes, Mrs S said that she was going to explain lots of things to us.'
'Well, that's lovely,' I muttered, testing the beard for length against his baby-soft chin.
'What's a corn dog?'
My gaze flickered up from my crochet hook. 'In what capacity was it used. Put it into a sentence.'
'Mrs S said that she was going to talk to us about sex and corndogs,'
I caught my grin and stuffed it up my sleeve.
'Ah, a CONDOM.' I said with that rising fear in my stomach that only comes with Sex Discussions With Sonshine.
'What is a condom?'
'Well. You know how I told you that men and ladies have a special cuddle when they want to make a baby?'
'Well sometimes you want to have a special cuddle and NOT have a baby. And that's when you use a condom.'
'But what is it?'
Where the FUCK is Tertarus when all this stuff comes up? Nowhere to be found, that's where.
'Well, you know how you've got a sticky out bit when you clean yourself in the bath.'
Sonshine nodded. 'Dad told me I was cleaning it too fast.'
I ignored this attempt at Tertarus-type humour.
'Right. Whatever. Well when your willie is in the sticky out position, you put on the condom. It's a bit like a finger of a rubber glove. But it's much more special than that.' I sensed that the combined picture of putting a marigold on his tiny willy was boggling his equally tiny mind.
'So, it goes on the sticky out bit?'
'Yes,' I said absent mindedly crocheting a bit more beard.
'And is there the same sort of thing for a lady. Like a bag?'
'I do believe there is,' I said, aware of the conversation snaking out of control like an angry viper.
'And do you have one, mum?'
'OH LOOK! YOUR BEARD IS FINISHED!!! LET'S TRY IT ON!'
Neatly sidestepped, I'm sure you'll agree.
The stovepipe hat was a fecking MARE to make. I opted to just make it ridiculous looking - after all, what's the point in being an authentic Abe when you're actually a zombie.
So the night of the disco came around and I took a picture of him. And here he is - after the disco and posing it up.
Yes. I know EXACTLY what you're thinking and it's perfectly ok to launch into a quick chorus of Gay Bar by Electric 6 - because that's just what we all did when we saw him togged up like this. For those of you who are not aware of the Electric 6 thing of which I speak.
Here it is in it's glory. Alltogether now.....'I'm going to take you to a gay bar!'