19 Oct 2010

Hestia.....gets burned at the stake at last

So, we're in the London Dungeons and we've been funnelled through crypts, vaults and even  the Ripper's Whitechapel and we are now shuffling into some kind of 18th century court room.  I've been laughing at all the terrible jokes cracked by the actor 'narrators' and having a lovely time when.....

'You there - get in the dock.'

Bugger me.  It was ME the Clerk of the Court was pointing to.

Ever obliging, I climbed a couple of steps into the dock and looked up at the judge, way up in the Gods.

'This woman was found peeing in a well.'

'A well? Wee? Why?' asked the judge

'Well, why not?' I replied, in character.

'This crime is punishable by DEATH!' intoned the narrating actor with a flourish.

I shrugged.  I got a couple of laughs.  I was enjoying myself. This could have been my first mistake.

I was sumarily discharged after pleading insanity and we all shuffled through to the next room.  A hooded man snapped his fingers at us and we followed. He snapped them again when we entered the next room on the tour and pointed at me.  Again.

He handed me a scroll that said I was about to take part in a game, and how I should play it.  I was, apparently, about to be burned by Bloody Mary.  'Look scared' instructed the scroll.  So I did.

Sonshine was hanging on to Tertarus and asking why I was sitting on the bench away from everyone else.

A screen crackled into life and Bloody Mary began her hellish chant against me.  I was sentenced to death by burning.

The guide asked everyone to bay for my death - and they all dutifully did with great gusto, except one small boy who begged for mercy for me.  Tertarus whispered to him that it was only a game.

By this time I am led up to a tall wooden post and bound with strong ropes.  Please also bear in mind that I am wearing my totally unsuitable AW10 fake shearling jacket.  Being burned to death seems but a small, more pleasant, step from sweating to death in the Dungeons...I stand willingly.

The crowd are well into it by this point and the narrator lights a huge bonfire at my feet (that the scroll has assured me is not going to set light to my clothes). Well into my method acting now, I start trying to blow the flames out.  I can't see a damned thing for smoke....but I can hear a small reedy voice asking whether my death will be quick and should he take my handbag.  I hear Tertarus telling him not to be silly.

The post spins round behind the cover of the smoke screen and, apparently, a charred and smoking skeleton with a dangly eyeball is left hanging in my place.

Everyone claps and leaves the room.  The guide unhooks me and points me off in the direction of everyone else.  Sonshine sees his increasingly hot mother and wraps himself around me like a small tight sweater.  It was only a game, darling, I say, hugging him back and wiping beads of sweat from my barbequed brow.

'But mummy, how did they KNOW you were a witch?' he whispered.  I can't even begin to muster up a reply.

I look around, we are in a Torture Chamber.

I make sure and stand at the back.


  1. LMAO! Sonshine is fablas! Can't wait to hear more of your London exploits.

  2. A life lesson to stand at the back unless they are giving out freebies - I went to Granada Studios with my two years ago and was chiding one of them for not joining in, when I was suddenly volunteered to be Anne Diamond and read the news on TV - exceptionally embarrassing and a moral to the tale something like "What's good for the goose". Made me chuckle again though x

  3. That is such a sweet story. I hope he has fully recovered (and you too!)

  4. Hahaha.
    Missed your posts, glad you had such a *hot* time in the *Big Smoke*!

  5. I wish I could have been there to see you act. Laugh.

    Glad you didn't burn.



  6. Dear Ali, absolutely brilliant!! I love it. Sonshine's comment at the end is priceless. I SO wish I'd seen you and you could have told me this in person straight after!! xx

  7. Shit, I think I've just wet myself laughing. I'm in a cafe on account of the DSL going on the blink, so everyone here wanted to know what the fuss was about. Folks have been taking turns reading and laughing. Priceless.

  8. OMG I have only just stopped laughing enough to write a comment!
    That poor boy is going to be in therapalmost had to come over and read the post for himself because I was crying y for the rest of his adult life. Ronnie with laughter as I read it to him.
    He does suffer this each night when I check in to read your posts and inevitably have to narrate them to him, don't stop!


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