I don't count The Factory Shop. For obvious reasons.
Anyway, the girl who runs it is lovely and does her best to buy in lots of 'larger' sizes (ie 14 and 16). I flicked through the rails, mentally noting that the majority of the tops that would fit me were 'one size' type efforts. Which hang off my bust like I'm displaying the Turin Shroud. Only less sexy.
So I say that I'm looking for a pair of strides.
"What about these legging things? More substantial than leggings, but stretchier than trews. They are called Treggings." I take two pairs of Large into the changing room along with a pair of trousers.
I haul them on and fondly imagine this:
But when I turn around and look in the mirror, I am appalled to see something that not only has a bit of a camel toe thing going on in the crotch area, but my appendix scar can clearly be seen through the cling of the fabric. Something is drooping down the back of my legs - it is my arse. Let me tell you, it's not a good look.
It wouldn't have mattered how much material was in these treggings, my body just doesn't suit them. Are there special knickers that you can wear that can keep your fanny nice and flat and not give you this horrible groin? Can you have a fat fudd? #fashionisamysterytome
Infuriated, I hauled them off and flung them out of the changing room.
I drag on a pair of trousers that are stretchy, but the design of them has little rips and holes in them. They have a very high waist - so no escaping muffin top (which is a Good Thing). A nice look when you're a studenty type, but a bit unsuitable for someone approaching 50 and desperately trying to smarten herself up a bit.
But this was it. The only trousers in the shop that at least FITTED. I bought them.
I wore them.
Tartarus couldn't believe that I'd spent money on trousers that look, new, more tired than my £9.99 jeans out of The Factory Shop.
I kinda like them, but they're not very smart.....
-o0o-
Tartarus excels himself by asking whether the Knights in Merlin are the Knights of the Holy Braille.
I excel myself by saying out loud that I covet Nigel Slater's pepper and morstal.
We had not even been at the sauce.
I have baked a sponge, using Paul Hollingworth's recipe from UK Good Food. I recommend them to the house for nice recipes that work like a charm. Isn't The Great British Bake-off the most fantastic food porn?
And this week, the second and final week of the October holidays, I am off Darn Sarf to Lahndahn. Laptop coming with me. Hopefully cable for camera so that I can upload snaps. Are you coming? It should be worth it just to hear me mouth-breathing with fear when I have to use the underground on my own on Saturday to get to the Tarot Conference. I predict Sweat Rings, possibly a Shart or two of fear.
What have you been up to? Entertain me, reader.
The Tube is alwaya fun, so may odd people in one tiny confined space LOL. DD loves to watch 'Cake Boss' ...
ReplyDeletedon't get me started on camel toe. i have come to the conclusion that weight loss or weight gain, i have a chubby crotch and every time i wear yoga pants or similar, you could imagine yourself having a half way decent conversation with the crotch puppet that is my woohoo.
ReplyDeletetrousers that fit well are a miraculous occurrence that ought to warrant its own holy day. i found two linen pairs this summer at a discount shop ON SALE (5$ for one and 10$ for the other, if you can believe it) and they make my ass look fab. i promptly sacrificed a pair of spotless ewes in thanksgiving.
I came across an etsy product a while back that was supposed to stop camel toe, it basically looked like a shoe horn!
ReplyDeletehttp://craziestgadgets.com/2009/05/04/two-ways-to-avoid-cameltoe/
I've just googled 'how to get rid of camel toe' in the interest of research and there are pages and pages of articles, and even some exercises that purport to rid us of that unsightly affliction.
Oh trousers sound great - I am all for approaching 50 in scruffy designer student gear... :D Its the creative impulse!
ReplyDeleteNot sure about curing camel toe though - I have a pair of running trousers that do that - I just pretend I haven't noticed and rely on people being too polite to comment!
That Cuchini thing that looks like a bicycle seat - looooove the strap line 'our lips are sealed'! fablas!
ReplyDeleteAli x
Maybe you could create a pair of Spanx pants that smooth & sculpt the crotch area? Or just wear a cod piece?!
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you're staying in Lambeth again, it's not far from TNMA mansions & maybe we could meet for a coffee/beer x
I remember seeing those anti-camel toe devices on daytime tv a while back, very scary. A long tunic top looks far less surgical.
ReplyDeleteI've been mostly drinking half pints of wine, consuming my body weight in curry and frittering my money away in charity shops and discovering Twitter. x
I must admit to never having suffered from the dread Camel Toe, but I did have a pair of trousers that my Beloved refused to let me wear. She called them "The Bollocks" because things sort of bulged out on either side of the zip.
ReplyDeleteIs this like the Camel Toe effect?
I didn't want to wear them for other reasons. Every time I sat down I began to feel a certain numbness in areas that numbness is to be feared.
Enjoy your trip to "The Big City of Sin"
Question. Have you ever tried wearing those cycling shorts under the trousers? They seem to be able to pull everything in.
I'm not sure I really want to do any research into cloven women's areas, but if it refers to the visual effect I am thinking of, well, I find it a bit sexy. After all, it's a Zone of Interest for men. Well this one anyway. Why am I even talking about this? I'm going to read some difficult Croatian poetry to get my mind off women's areas.
ReplyDeleteI prefer jeggings to treggings but sympathise re the camel toe, it is so not a good look lol!
ReplyDeleteAt least you knew not to wear them out of the dressing room. I had no idea there were camel toe minimizing products--exercises even! An entrepreneur could market an exercise movie for that problem area. It could be called Labias of Steel, or No More Cameltoe. There's money to be made, people.
ReplyDeleteOh its so annoying when you want something and can't find it. What about mail order? Praps Boden or Jigsaw or someone could send you some lovely trousers to try on at home.
ReplyDeleteI hate the tube too, but sometimes it has to be done. Shouldn't be too too bad at the weekend. Look forward to hearing your London reports! xxx
Ali, if you're in London, get yourself to Primark. They sell those magic knickers, the slightly longer legged ones which cover your thighs too. I buy a size bigger than I need and they smooth out a multitude of sins. M&S have them too but Primarks are much cheaper and in my opinion work as well. I can wear treggings, jeggings and leggings without a camels foot in sight!!!!! Also great if you want to wear a clingy skirt or dress too. Have a great week. Lesley x
ReplyDeleteIt's great to be laughing out loud again at your posts! Have you seen the spoof Beach Boys song on You Tube called Camel's Toe - hysterical lyrics. Anyway back to the dilemma - leggings, jeggings, treggings never never never to be worn with the crotch on show (or the arse for that matter) long jumpers or tunics or shirts, or even mini dresses are the way forward. And for the best fitting trousers I can't fault Joseph except for the astronomical prices - wait for the sale and they come down to M&S full price range so then affordable x
ReplyDeleteSorry forgot to say, have a fab time in London, love the Holy Braille and the mestle and portar (althought took me a while to figure that one out). Great British Bake Off was spectacular. Don't see me doing Labia of Steel classes anytime soon (and really it is just one insecurity too many) x
ReplyDeleteThere is one brand of trouser that goes one worse than camel toe, they make me look like I have a penis (I do not). *shudders at memory*
ReplyDeleteDarl I love your hilarious posts! I have been too busy to comment on blogs much lately but I always love reading yours. What have I been doing lately? washing mending de-staining 100 vintage dresses, getting bronchitis and just generally being a single mother with a new business...glam life, eh!
ReplyDeleteAli, as soon as I saw the camel pic and that the post was about trousers, I was grinning..xx
ReplyDelete