AS you read this, I'll be under the knife. Slightly worried that I might have bigged this up a bit too much in my previous post! Enjoy it anyway:
The Scottish education system has been admired and emulated all over the world. For centuries it has produced some of the world’s finest thinkers, engineers, artist and musicians: Robert Adam, Alexander Graham Bell, Robert Burns, Joseph Lister, Thomas Telford, Gordon Brown, Jackie Stewart, Colin McCrae, Billy Connolly, Sean Connery, Brian Cox (The Hanibal Lecter one, not the rubber-lipped physicist), Robert Carlisle, Deacon Blue, The Proclaimers and, erm, Andy Stewart. No women, as you can see: They were all stuck at home, ironing sporrans, hand-pressing the Irn Bru and trying to be Sheena Easton. Anyhoo, I digress.....
Bearing this proud educational history in mind, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Sonshine’s Easter Story, courtesy of the 21st Century Department of Education in darkest Argyll ……P4/5 stylee:
Picture one starts off with a fairly traditional image – the three crosses on the hill at Golgotha, a MASSIVE Easter Bunny and some less-than-traditional crucifixion chat.
While the thief on the left moans ‘oh God’ which is perfectly understandable given the circumstances, Jesus takes the opportunity to express regret at not taking that super cool spy job. This little known fact that Christ could have been a MOSSAD-conscript is, somewhat strangely, omitted from the original Easter Story and shamefully neglected in The Greatest Story Ever Told (my own version of the King James in celluloid)
A spot of undercover spying could really have lifted Christ's life story, in my opinion. Would have done wonders for the paintings of Leonardo Da Vinci, don't you think? Imagine it - the Book of Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bond, James Bond.
The thief hanging on the other side of Christ manages a street-wise ‘Tell me about it' which makes me think that a) Monty Python's Life of Brian is going to go down a treat with Sonshine when we show it to him and b) he is watching way too much American telly.
They bake in excruciating agony under a very unhappy-looking Palestinian sun - not quite an eclipse, but close enough for me. As you can see, we've attempted some colouring in here, but it's a bit half-assed and quickly abandoned.
This first narrator is Jesus himself, who says ‘Jesus was crucified. Life is crule (isn't it)'. Let's overlook the shocking spelling and just embrace the sentiment - even at 9, kids know life is crule.
Cut to Picture 2, where our narrator is now the Devil.
An unusual choice of narrator, but what the hell, let's EMBRACE it.....
Jesus is now dead and two people roll up the stone to the front of the grave – with a ‘Jesus - Do Not Disturb’ sticker on it. The Devil also has some hitherto unhinted at Biblical facts at his fingertips – that Jesus was ‘wraped’ in TOILET PAPER. I'm thinking that 'Wraped' might be a sort of violent sexually-charged wrapping perhaps? Then Satan quickly admits that he’s just JOKING. About the toilet paper, not the wraping. That Satan, what a prankster, always up for a laugh. And let's draw a veil over the spelling of 'actually'.
I CAN shed some light on this toilet paper thing. The previous Hallowe'en, Sonshine went out as an Egyptian mummy and I used crepe bandage and toilet roll and copious lengths of sellotape to complete the look. So it's not all quite as bonkers as one might think. But it does get bonkers, quite soon.
Cut to Picture 3 where we see what I thought was the newly risen Christ having a bit of a stretch outside the tomb. I have since been corrected. It is in fact Mary, weeping outside the tomb.
Sonshine explained that he HAD put ‘bosoms’ on Mary, but then rubbed them out because he didn’t want to get in trouble with the teacher. I pointed out that even some long hair might have helped with the gender issues. He never thought about maybe adding long hair, only bosoms. I can see where his future interests will lie.
The narrator for picture 3 is now an angel who says: 'After my vacation, Jesus wasn't in the cave. in fact, he had risen from the dead.'
I can't quite remember the angels going for a fortnight in a caravan to Bognor..... but still..... who really knows, with angels (or as Sonshine likes to call them, 'angles').
Our final image in this quartet shows that touching moment where the weeping Mary is startled in the Garden of Gethsemane by the appearance of the risen Christ.
Note the rubbed out bosoms in this image of Mary too. So far, so traditional but now, bafflingly, our narrator is now a skate-boarder called Fred who concludes: 'Mary walked away and then Jesus said Mary' *ponders Sonshine’s tenuous grip on reality, even Biblical reality*.
I obviously have to work on the beginning. middle, end thing in stories and sort out the spelling issues - but that's for another day.
Finally, I'd like to leave you with the teacher's comment on this tableau of tragedy
I blame the parents m'self.....