12 Aug 2013

Hestia's dog is afraid of......

  • shadows (including, I kid you not, his own)
  • tennis balls
  • stairs (inside and outside)
  • mirrors
  • footballs (bounced or kicked)
  • umbrellas (up or down)
  • loud noises
  • Crisp packets (empty)
  • Boys on bikes
  • birds (the feathered, not Kardashian, variety)
  • Anything behind him
  • other dogs
  • being left on his own

His farting has become legend and he's only been here a month.

Stretching in his basket in the morning? Let's let off a wee fart.
Wanting to go out on the lead? Let's let off a wee fart.
We've got some friends round for coffee? Let's let off a wee fart
And my absolute favourite..... stretch into downward dog after a nap?  Let off a wee musical fart.  Especially if Hestia is bending down to pull on her training shoes next to his arse.

I'm saying 'wee' fart, but in truth they are about as loud as a human's far and three times as yellow and sulpherous as a rotten egg.  I am reduced to sitting at the computer with my fleece up round my nose like a yashmak, gagging quietly.

Having him in the car is quite the experience.  We bought a harness for him, so that if I have to brake suddenly, 5 stone of black dog doesn't disappear through the windscreen from the back seat.  He doesn't like his harness and the back seat of my car is covered in stressed-out drool.  In fact, the driver's seat is covered with stressed-out drool too.  But it's mine.

He is all legs and it's like trying to wrangle a recalcitrant giraffe into the mini.

On the other hand, we found that if we put the seats down and put his basket in, he will lie like a lord in utter splendiferous comfort until he is dragged out.

The ferry.  Jesus, he hates it.  The steep metal stairs are utterly beyond him, so we have to go up in the lift. Then we spend the next 30 minutes hoping that he doesn't pee or poop in the Dog Corner of the boat.  I would never be able to lift my head in public if he did one of his famous Big Pees on the boat.

Last trip I bought him a pig's ear (disgusting to look at, but rather tasty I believe) and he was so stressed that he wouldn't even look at it.  I ended up going away and leaving it.  Christ knows what the crew thought when they found THAT on their clean up.


even with the howling and the door scraping and the widdling at the back door and the refusal to go out in any kind of rain whatsoever, he's a really lovely big dog.  The only thing big about him is his size - he makes no demands and would spend all day sleeping if you let him.

Sonshine is a bit put out because I keep shouting HIS name and not the dog's.  When I really mean the dog.  And sometimes I shout the dog's name when I really mean to summon Sonshine.  I put it down to my age.

Which goes up to 50.  Tomorrow.  TOTALLY DREADING IT.


  1. LMAO But now you never have to blame the creaking floorboard again - WIN ! :D

    1. I never fart. Other than the other night when the Meerkat was visiting and I forgot he was there and let off a bit of a ripper. I did apologise, but there was a lot of giggling from the sofa afterwards!

  2. Happy 50th birthday for tomorrow! I'll be hitting the big 5-0 at the end of the year (gulp). Your dog looks lovely, even if he doesn't smell that way. Euw...

    1. Thank you! It's just another day, isn't it? Albeit one with really great presents!!!!

      Dog is lovely and I luff him to bits :-D

      Ali x

  3. He sounds like he is giving Tarterus a run for his money.
    Happy Birthday Ali. I hope it is fart free. XXXXX

    1. I am surrounded by males who give off pungent farts. I, of course, am pure as the driven snow in that department :-D

  4. ROFLMFAO! Oh, I know the feeling so well :D The farting isn't too bad ,but boy when he blows off...words fail me. He is afraid of: men, hats, sticks, umbrellas, wheelie bins, balloons, traffic and a whole host of other random things, men with hats and/or sticks being the worst. Unfortunately, as he has become more confident with us, he is more inclined to shout at the things that are scary. Quite funny when he barks at some random pedestrian who is too close to the car and makes them jump as you are driving past, but otherwise rather noisy and a bit annoying.

    1. They are funny, arent' they? Your Dexter has got the most amazing smiley face! They'll get over the scary stuff, I hope :-D

  5. Nice to hear you've got a companion with similar habits to Tertarus.

    Actually I'm a wee bit surprised you didn't keep the pig's ear for your other SO to chew on.

    Honestly, 50 isn't too bad...just wait until the big six-oh

    1. ssssssh - I'm still trying to get my head around 50, never mind 60!

      Te pig's ear smells delicious actually :-D


    Hey, look on the bright side, at least he isn't afraid of his own farts, else you'd be chasing after him all day ;)

    And what are you going to do with him when you're away down in Lahndan? Does whoever has volunteered know about the 'wee musical farts'? :D

    1. My good friends have volunteered to take him, but I might have to put him into local kennels. And when I say kennels, I mean that a lovely couple let other people's dogs run riot in their homes for a few days!

      And as you say, I am blessed that he is not afraid of his own fart. But he should be. They're vile!

  7. Aw, the joys/pitfalls of the anxious dog. Ours is afraid of rain--yes, RAIN--bathroom scales, going upstairs, and babies.

    Happy birthday!

    1. Thank you! Babies?! I'll need to see if Nero is afraid of babies - I sure don't want him taking one as a little snackeral!

  8. 50 is a great age. Too old to care, still young enough to enjoy not caring.

    Re farting, I remember once in the Guardian this young teacher told this story about how one day, almost at the end of term, she looked up to see her class working quietly as the sun shafted in through the windows. She felt this little wave of joy at having discovered her vocation.

    Completely forgetting the fact that she was station in front of thirty adolescent children, she lifted one cheek off the seat and let go with her bottom trumpet. They didn't let her forget that for *years*.

  9. He's gorgeous and he'll grow out of the fears.

    As for being 50 - happy belated birthday, and look, it's been for a week now and I bet you are fine!


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