Inside my head, I fondly imagine that I am like this:
This is the Yoga Studio lady. Isn't she fab?
However, I thought I'd get Sonshine to video me (using the wee point and click which takes about 10 minutes or so of video footage) so that I could compare MY form with what it ought to look like, as demonstrated by Yoga Lady.
I changed into sweatpants, a sports bra and my thermal vest (come on, it's only April!) and got started.
Sonshine duly worked his way around me, taking shots of my back, my bending over etc. It was only a 15 minute warm up, so I quickly uploaded it to the computer to watch back in comfort.
And then I watched it back.
And then I watched it again. Of course, I was about as flexible as a Mortgage Provider and nothing was moving in the direction that it should but....
My GOD, I had no idea that I really looked like that! Yanno, I KNOW that I'm no oil painting, but dear Lord, with no make up on at all, I was utterly fearsome - my natural expression looks like someone has left rotting herring under my nose.
And my waist! There ISN"T one!!
And my ARSE in those sweatpants?! I jumped up from the computer and strode into the bedroom and yanked off the sweat pants in a single, horrified, move. They are going STRAIGHT to a charity shop (once I've washed them, of course).
I painted my face - primer - the whole works. Removed my hair from its habitual pony tail and smoothed it into submission with oil. Got dressed in some proper clothing and sat on the edge of the bed wondering what to do.
Reader, some people might have taken this video as a wake up call to start doing something about their health - for their family's sake if nothing else.
Me?
I headed straight downstairs to the biscuit tin and made myself a stack of Digestive Biscuits and jam. With creme fraiche. Yes, it was the posh strawberry and rose petal jam. I don't mind telling you, it was fantastic. But 'fantastic' in the way that you might have frenzied drunken sex with Ian from Accounts in the toilet at the office Christmas party. You know that you're going to HATE yourself in the morning. And he won't call, of course. Because you showed yourself to be a SLAPPER and STRUMPET.
Yes, I hated myself. I WAS that slapper and strumpet. All for a stack of 6 digestive biscuits. And jam. And cream. But, like the office party scene, I could NOT stop myself from doing it. Even though I was hating myself as I stuffed every bit of creamy, jammy biscuit into my gob.
I decided, in the manner of all the best self-help manuals, to examine my relationship with food. Turns out it's the most fulfilling relationship I've got.
1 I overeat at every meal - my portion size is about the same as Tartarus's and he's a very active man - fitting log-burners, tiling, cementing. I am only active on facebook and twitter.
2 I eat when I'm watching TV. Which is most evenings between 7pm and 10pm.
3 I eat when I'm sad. Which is a lot of the time, thank you world.
4 I eat when I'm stressed. See 3. And 1. and 2 as well. Now that Lucy's been bumped off in Eastenders.
5 I eat what's left on Sonshine's plate. Mothers hate waste. Also love buttery mashed potatoes.
6 I don't enjoy cooking (see: just about every food posting that I've made on this blog. Never goes smoothly) so it's often straight from freezer to oven/microwave etc.
7 I adore sweets - no bar of choccy is safe when I'm around (see: Easter Sunday tomorrow when Sonshine goes to open his Easter Egg. It no longer exists. Or eggsists.
8 I adore savoury.
9 I adore patisserie.
10 I MUST have a biscuit with every cup of tea or coffee. I have about 6 teas/coffees per day.
Something's got to change before I drop dead.
Suggestions and solutions welcome :-D
And no, I am NOT putting up a photo of me trying to do downward dog :-D
Embrace the Shadow - learn to love the reality xx
ReplyDeleteI shall have to, won't I?!
DeleteI totally relate to everything you've said, only with my current dental woes, I have lost the ability to turn to biscuits and jam and now my life has no meaning at all. I can say that tooth problems have put me right off the attractions of sugary foods. Let me tell you, if a tooth starts giving you trouble, you're no longer worried about the size of your arse. Maybe keeping all your teeth would motivate where nothing else would. Looking at a bit of chocolate right now makes me feel nauseated. (But then, everything is making me feel nauseated.)
ReplyDeleteOh no fun at all having toothache! You have my commiserations! Have you got a dental appointment organised Carla? I'm pretty good at going to the dentist - even though I have Scottish Sweetie Teeth (ie loads of fillings). As soon as I get a bit of money, I'm off to get braces to straighten my teeth and all amalgam fillings changed for white ones :-D
DeleteUse smaller plates :)
ReplyDeleteI'm already using a tea plate. But it's stacked 12" high :-D Did you have a good week away?
Deletego to grad school. the stress alone will do it. and if that doesn't work, the depression might. and if THAT still isn't working maybe, like me, you'll suddenly out-of-the-blue get motivated for no discernible reason to finally get off yer arse and start running.
ReplyDeletealso - do not have food of that sort in your house. ever. unless you have guests coming who will eat it. i can't fathom people who have their pantries stocked with chocolate and crisps and other delicious whatsits. if i have it, i shall eat it. so i make a point never to have it… unless mr. monkey goes shopping alone and sneaks that in. then we have a raging fight about how he's trying to get us both fat, and then we sit and eat the offending items until they offend no more.
I'd love to go to back to college to study something INTERESTING instead of things that I needed to do for work - like my Post Graduate Cert in Secretarial Studies or my HNC in Building Inspection and Supervision. *snores*
DeleteI can see that it would be stressful once you're actually THERE and in the thick of it.
You're right, I really ought not have these things in the house, but it's difficult with a small boy. I don't want him to start looking for 'treats' outside of the house where he can stuff himself with every E-additive known to man. I suppose I SHOULD learn some self-control or something :-D
I'm with Mr Monkey - I'd be sneaking in the Bad Stuffs :-D
I'm currently trying tapping (EFT) to try to improve my eating habits. It helped with my labour... I know I look bloomin' stupid doing it, which is why I tend to do it on the loo. That's also a way to remind myself to do it a fair few times a day :D
ReplyDeleteReally, it helped with labour?! THAT'S impressive!!! I think (as with EVERYTHING that I'm interested in) I've got a book somewhere on EFT. Must look it out and give it a try - it can't hurt, right?
DeleteNot forgotten that I've got some matchbox motors to be sending to your Big Boy - Easter hols have got in the way of things! This week though, promise!
AX
Well, I did hypnobirthing meditations, and then used those affirmations to tap on, and it did all go pretty well... :) Worth a go, I reckon!
DeleteBig Boy will be delighted whenever, it's very sweet of you to think of him. Hope the Easter Hols have been good (other than disappearing Easter eggs). I avoided that problem by just not getting any easter eggs :D
Cxx
I didn't think you looked that bad in your last photo.
ReplyDeleteDon't put yourself down; however, I've rarely seen ANY lady over 40 who looks good in sweatpants, OR footless tights.
I would recommend whisky as a palliative, but I'm off the stuff myself, so I'll have to recommend cigars.
Cigars will do for me!!! They are not fattening!
DeleteAX
Heartbreak or poverty are my 2 top tips .....it's amazing how much you can lose by not actually buying food. Do we need to talk about Ian??x
ReplyDeleteHeartbreak is very good for the waistline. Not so good for one's liver, mind you. Ian is purely fictional *reassuring voice* and I have never worked anywhere that has 'Accounts' in the same building as me. Our office parties involved a lot of party hats, £5 gifts, masses of booze and heads down toilets mainly :-D
DeleteThere's no better fat farm than the jungle - being chased by wild animals and climbing trees is guaranteed to get you in shape. Having said that, growing a big arse can be useful - you're less likely to be blown off your feet in a hurricane.
ReplyDeleteDear GB - am intrigued with the jungle suggestion. My arse is large - but not in the Beyonce-look-my-arse-is-really-a-shelf sort of way. THAT'S a popular look. Mine is more what you see on any British High Street of a day....just flobbery :-D
DeleteI have tears in my eyes from laughing, and now that I've put down my plate of the icecream that no-one else wants to eat (because it's not very nice) but I can't bear to waste, I would try to offer advice, but clearly I am not qualified.
ReplyDeleteLouise
Louise - I demand to know the ice-cream story immediately!
DeleteThis is basically my relationship with food. I deal with it by restricting portions and walking a lot. Because Scotland is cold and food helps it go away.
ReplyDeleteWhen you find the answer, please do share it. I'm all ears (and arse)
ReplyDeleteIt is now JUNE. I am wondering if you got permanently stuck in a downward dog and need assistance. Seriously hope you are okay and that some disaster has not struck.
ReplyDeleteYou are missed.
Ditto above.Or are you out walking the dawg:)?
ReplyDeleteI do not blog myself so feel selfish thinking it is time for you to return. Blogging is work and I understand that. But I am missing you and this run of no posts is not normative from you. Worried..... Hoping it is all something simple and not nasty.
ReplyDelete