Anyone who has ever seen All Creatures Great And Small know the hell that is the Dog Show. Hotly contested and prone to violence on a London Riot scale.
'Are you ok with that?' asked my carer, peering over her glasses as my face fell into my plate of lasagna as she announced her news.
'Oh yes, I'm fine with that,' I smiled faintly and none too convincingly.
'What do I have to do?' I asked.
'I have no idea, to be honest. An neither has the judge. She's never judged before. Someone else has always done it. But how hard can it be?'
Indeed, how hard can it be.......and I had another glass or two of wine and promptly forgot all about it.
The other day I got a phone call from my Day Carer:
DC: 'You still up for this on Wednesday?'
Wednesday? What was happening on Wednesday?
Me: 'Oh, erm, yes. *pause* What are we doing on Wednesday again?
DC *rising panic* ' THE DOG SHOW!!!'
me: 'Oh yes, THAT. I thought you meant something else' *unconvincing laughter*
DC: 'How are you on gun dogs and working dogs?'
Me: 'How do you think?'
DC: 'Hmmm, that's what I thought. Can you tell the difference between a gun dog and a working dog?'
Me: 'No. But I'm hoping that the owners can?'
DC: 'Fair point. I've done some forms and some tags and I've got a bag with the rosettes and the schedule of trophies'
Me: 'So it's not just the Waggiest Tail and Best Six Legs then?'
DC: *snorts with laughter* 'Oh no! There are a dozen classes. You'll need to know which class is eligible for which trophy...and to make sure the correct class is announced in the ring'.
Me: 'Right, so who's making the announcements?'
DC: 'Well YOU are.'
Me: 'Right.' *now recumbent on sofa with arms over eyes and making a slight whining noise*
DC: 'Have you seen the weather forecast for Wednesday?'
Me: 'No. Is it set to be fine' *hopeful face*
DC: 'Are you kidding? Just make sure you wear your wellies'
....and Wednesday is TOMORROW, dear reader *gulp* Put up a prayer for me or sacrifice a