18 Nov 2010

Hestia and ...the smear test

She's got the jack as AC/DC might say
So it's like this - every three years or so, we women are summoned to the GPs for a thing called a smear test.  They send us a little letter to remind us that it's due and how important it is in helping detect a pretty horrible cancer...and we read the letter and promptly put it in the back of the drawer and forget all about it.

They kindly send us another reminder and this time with a booklet telling you how it's as wonderful as faery dust to have your smear test, so will you PLEASE make an appointment.

Usually, by this time your girlfriends have had their letters and you sit about chatting to each other and promising that you WILL book an appointment and....before you know it, three years have passed and it's Time To Do It Again.

I was discussing this with Tertarus's man-love's wife (DO keep up) Let's call her.....Penelope....and we both bemoaned the rigours of the smear.  Her husband, Tertarus's man-love,....let's call him Keef...shook his head and said he didn't know what all the fuss was about.

We women stared at him blankly and Penelope asked, in a low, even voice what he thought a smear test consisted of. Tertarus shifted uncomfortably as although he had no idea himself, he was confident that the God-fearing Minister's son next to him had even less of a real idea of what it was about than him.  He tensed up, waiting for Keef's thoughts. 'Well,said Keef, doesn't the doctor just get a wee glass slide and just ....rub it in your snail trail.'


Although I was snorting into my drink at this point and wondering just how he had managed to father two children, Penelope explained, in the same low even tones, that it was NOT just a glass slide rubbed quickly over your knicker gusset.

'Oh no', I continued, picking up the gore baton.'You have to lie on a bed with your parts hidden beneath a little Modesty Towel and are asked to put the soles of your feet together and to gently let your knees drop either side.  This is the first tricky bit', I informed him, 'because your leg muscles start to twitch uncontrollably and your thighs start to quiver like 3-day old milk'.

'....and then,' I carried on gleefully,' they put the metal speculum into the sink and run hot water over it to Heat It Up before covering it in lubricant gel.'

By this time Tertarus's and Keef's eyes were out on stalks - and not in a salacious way - in a Brian The Snail sort of way.

'...and THEN they take this THING that looks like it belongs on the forecourt of a BMW garage and stick it up your chuff...... and THEN they crank you OPEN!!!!'

At this point Penelope is nodding vigorously '....and THEN.....they tell you to RELAX....and your legs start jumping even worse and.......THEN', I intoned, enjoying my Hammer Horroresque performance 'they stick a tiny little cotton bud thing up you and take some cells, unjack your fanny (which inevitably makes the dreaded fanny fart noise), wipe off all the extraneous gel and then that's you done!'

Keef blinked for the first time since we started our explanation. 'I preferred my way,' he said meekly.

'So would we,' I muttered darkly into my glass.

So, dear reader - guess where I'm going this afternoon?


  1. Oh you poor thing! In France you have to have one every year, when I first lived in France it took me ages to pluck up the courage to go to the doctors for a smear, it's called a 'frottie' in French, which literally translated means 'rubbing' the same word that also means 'wank'. You can understand my reluctance to even ask for an appointment let alone have it done. The French are not as prissy as the British they don't have any screens to get undressed behind and no modesty blankets, the gynie remains in the room whilst you undress, and hop about on one leg trying to get your knickers off and then wham bam it's done! I have got used to the process now but to start off with it was most disconcerting!

  2. At least your doctor offers you a modesty towel..and you were well groomed following your recent waxing!

  3. Bwahahahaha! Best description of a smear I've ever seen :D

  4. That's a painfully accurate description.

    And the relaxing is important. If you don't you can get cut my the metal thing. For realz.

  5. Schedule the boys up for a colonoscopy. They might have a bit more sympathy. Having your arse drilled with a rotor rooter is quite the experience.

  6. Brilliant description, I recognised every painful moment. Last week I went for a mammogram, you know the one.... good morning madam, if you would just like to lay your boob on this cold plate and I will crush it with another cold plate until it resembles sausage meat... what joy

  7. M = Elfy (M sounds like I just came off a Bond movie set!)

  8. Dear Ali, you're hilarious. I have a great doctor and it's all over in seconds, thank god! xx

  9. You poor thing. Mine's done and over for this year. We have them done yearly (or we are supposed to) here in the States.

    Love you!

  10. every THREE years? holy cow! i go every bloody year, with astonishing and highly unpleasant regularity. at least i now have a doctor i like; for a while there i had a man who'd chat to me about the latest movies while poking about in my nether regions which is a giant no no, because it doesn't allow me to pretend i'm somewhere else, anywhere where there isn't a man bent over my girlie giblets with a flashlight and gloves.

  11. OOOOOhhh. Couldn't you have placed a DANGER, MEN DO NOT READ sign at the start. We guys just don't want to know. Getting a prostrate exam is bad enough; we just don't want to know about the "Snail Trail Parts."

    Actually I think the guy’s exam is worse. If it's a young, pretty lady doctor doing the exam and you get a stiffy because of all the pressure on bits that don't normally get any pressure, then it's a tad embarrassing.

  12. OOps, that should read Prostate Exam, not Prostrate Exam.

    Well we are prostrate when we get a prostate exam, and at least we're not asked to expectorate.


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