Everything was going pretty well until we started the brief drive back from Edinburgh Zoo to Leith docks, where we are currently residing. Tartarus had forgotten to pack the map and pretty soon we were zooming into Edinburgh city centre - which, if you've been trying to drive in Edinburgh recently is Not Where You Really Want To Be.
'Look - there's a couple of mounted police,' said I pointing at, erm, two mounted police officers.
'I don't need directions,' snapped Tartarus, bumping the car down yet another narrow cobbled lane to no-where.
We drove around aimlessly for a good 10 minutes with Edinburgh Castle variously on my left and right. There were no signs for Leith. We could be on our way to Berwick Upon Tweed, I thought angrily. No offence to Berwick Upon Tweed.
As we drove down the Ferry Road for the third time, Tartarus agreed that once the traffic lights had changed, he would pull into the garage over the road and get directions. The lights changed and Tartarus zoomed past the garage. I pointed at the garage, mouth gawping noiselessly.
'If we had a sat nav, this would not be happening,' he seethed.
'If you'd put in the bloody map this wouldn't be happening either,' I snapped back.
'What about over here?' I suggested, pointing to an as yet unexplored road.
'Look, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING,' he bellowed.
'See when you're in Hollan with R in June, I hope you're as fucking unpleasant to him as you are to me when you're lost,' I shouted back.
Sonshine sat quietly in the back of the car.
This was not how I envisaged things in my life. I decided that since any comment I made was being met with thinly disguised contempt. OK, not even thinly disguised contempt. I would just shut up.
I shut up for hours. Long after we found our way home. Long after we went out for an early dinner. I just lost interest in trying to make everything nice.
Reader, I discovered that I couldn't be bothered to drag myself out of it.
And the worse thing? Neither Tartarus nor Sonshine realised that I wasn't even talking.
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