But Valentine's Day will be upon us and I can't bear the thought of him not getting a card. He's never had a card, but this will be the first year that he'll REALISE he hasn't had a card. I am torn. Should I send him one myself?!
If there is one thing worse than not getting a Valentine Card, it must be realising that the one you did get was actually from your mother....
Anyway, am still thinking about that.
Yesterday, he came home in a total strop. Some small boy had been shouting abuse about ME to Sonshine and he spent 3/4 of an hour trying to catch the little shit as they came down the hill from school. Which was, of course, the desired result by the boy. This is the same child who has insulted me before. And to whom Sonshine tartly replied: 'Is your dad going to just keep going until he gets a good-looking one?' This child is one of four. Or is it five?
'What sort of thing did he call me?' I asked.
And out it came. The sort of language that I don't even expect from his father and HE'S a sailor.
I must have looked a bit shocked because Sonshine shot upstairs and returned in his jeans and sweatshirt.
'I'm going out. And I may be some time,' he announced dramatically.
'What are you going to do?' I asked. My son is a lover, not a fighter.
'I'm going to beat the crap out of him. Sorry mum.'
I pulled him towards the computer. 'I have a lot of very clever friends and some very rude ones. They will have some great things that you can shout back, rather than thumping him.'
'Like what?' he grumbled, unconvinced.
'Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries,' I intoned in a heavy French accent. 'Of course, you haven't actually SEEN Monty Python and The Holy Grail yet, have you?'
I had a think. 'How about feculent cockchafer?'
He grinned. 'What's cockchafer mean?' (he is already VERY familiar with feculent) I told him. 'It's a beetle. I googled and showed him the picture.
And then on facebook my friends started sending me links to some very funny sites - Shakespearean insults, brilliant one-liner put downs.....his mood lightened.
'So you're not going to batter him?' I ask
'No. I'm not. I'll be back at 5pm'.
And with that he was off.
At 5pm he returned in fine fettle.
'Soooooo - how'd it go today?'
'Fine. I went up to his house and told his mum everything that he'd said about you. And I called him a feculent gnome too.'
'Riiiight. And how did that go?'
He shrugged. 'I just told her and left before she could say anything.'
Pure Page of Swords. And I love him for it.
*** Clean Amy update: Apparently she is now SITTING NEXT TO HIM at school. What this might mean is anyone's guess. I asked him what she had said, now that she was right next to him. He had a think. Well, he said, she said 'cool', 'that's my pencil' and 'really?' to me today. Ah - young love!
And now I am back to the dilemma - to Valentine or no?!
Good job Sonshine ! :-) 'course, he could just tell the boy that you are a witch & to watch out ;-)
ReplyDeleteIf I had proper witching skillz that kid would be a TOAD by now. Oh, wait....! ;-)
Deleteoh the joys of the play ground....you are such a clever mum...when my boy was at school in New York's uber-bip'n'groovy west village, where no child had less than three parents....a mum, a dad and something else..... gay was the norm and a bloke in a pink dress and cat's ears used to ride by daily on a penny-farthing....the common insult amongst the boys was: you're a gay-ballet-dancer-vagina.....right on!!x
ReplyDeleteOh God, that's brilliant! Sonshine calls it a Fagina. Sort like a lady-fajita.....
DeleteI'd love to see that bloke on a penny-farthing!
Ali x
brilliant post, ali. sonshine sounds like the kind of kid i'd want to have if i wanted to have kids.
ReplyDeletei vote no valentine, but then again i'm a hard-hearted childless crone so what do i know?
On the whole he IS that sort of kid. Some days I wish I could just get in the car and drive forever. So that's a NO for the valentine - noted, tamuchly!
DeleteAX
Sonshine is so fecking fantastic and thoughtful it almost makes me wish I had kids. You've done a great job, Ali, be very proud.
ReplyDeleteI say yes to a Valentine. xxx
Vix - if he would just tidy up a tiny teeny little bit after himself, he would be PERFECT :-) And that's a YES for a valentine! Thank you :-D
DeleteAX
No, don't get him a Valentine - too embarrassing for the poor sod if he finds out. Just be sympathetic if he doesn't get any.
ReplyDelete.....and that's a NO for a valenine. Thank you!
DeleteWould getting my mother to send him one be any better, do you think?
AX
Don't get him a card - it'll just mess with his head! He sounds like such a great chap, and really fun to spend time with, and kind too. You need to sit down with him and the Holy Grail asap - I can't believe you've been neglecting this vital part of his education! xxx
ReplyDeleteI did get Life of Brian out for him - but there was a 'fuck off' right at the beginning and I had forgotten about the full frontal nudity (male and female!) so put it away again. This weekend, I promise to let him watch the Holy Grail :-)
DeleteNO! NO NO NO. What if you do and then all the girls say they didn't send it?
ReplyDeleteAlso, he is so sweet. It's nice that aged 11 he think he should look after you!
aaaaaaaaand it would seem that it's an overall NO to the card idea!
DeleteThat boy is fabulous! To know that the insult is mightier than the right hook, and in addition, to know that telling-the-mother trumps everything - priceless! He's your boy alright.
ReplyDeleteI say No to the Valentine. If he doesn't get any, he won't be the only one - and how do you know he won't? Clean Amy might be playing it "cool" but secretly planning a Valentine surprise as we speak! I mean, come on - "that's my pencil" is obvious flirting! xxx
I am a tad concerned about running into the mother in town and wondering whether her kids take after her (ie will there be a total slagging match). Let's face it, Monty Python slurs are probably not going to make much impact on her. She's just think I'm mad.
DeleteWhich, of course I'm NOT!......
I hope he always remember that the strength of a put down is mightier than a punch!
I would say don't send him a card, especially as he's now sitting next to Clean Amy.
ReplyDeleteImagine the scenario:
S: "That was a lovely card you sent me, thanks"
CA: "What?"
S: "The card, the Valentine card" "Thanks, it was great"
CA "What are you on about?"
S: "I'm just thanking you for that lovely Valentine's Day Card you sent me, it was great"
CA: "Oh, don't be a stupid cockchafer, I never sent you a card"
S: "What?"
CA: "I bet it was your Mum"
S: "Well Bugger Me With A Battleship" *melts slowly to the floor with glowing embarrassment*
Definitely NO.
But you're a great and supportive Mum. Ever considered going into teaching?
I reckon you'd be a natural.
I'd only go into teaching if I was allowed a Tazer and some nerve gas :-)
DeleteI got given a valentine form my family. It actually made me upset. As did the joke one I got at secondary school (which years later I realise was not a joke but he was made to feel bad for sending me one so said it was). So I vote NO on the card and YES to Sonshine being great!
ReplyDeleteI totally cross my heart that I won't send him a card. That's sad about secondary school one - did you and he ever get together?
ReplyDeleteAs you would expect in this part of the world, everyone sends each other valentine cards. One to your Dad, one to your Mom and every kid in the class, including the teachers.
ReplyDeleteJust remember how much he loves you the next time he turns his back when his dad is home. He's a smart lad.
No to card b'the way. xx
He is a smart lad....and we have developments on the Valentine's card front!
DeleteAX