Hestia and...... trouser unpleasantness

I decided to buy a new pair of trousers (still working the denim detox, I am proud to say) and headed off to the only place in town that sells anything remotely On Trend.

I don't count The Factory Shop.  For obvious reasons.

Anyway, the girl who runs it is lovely and does her best to buy in lots of 'larger' sizes (ie 14 and 16).  I flicked through the rails, mentally noting that the majority of the tops that would fit me were 'one size' type efforts.  Which hang off my bust like I'm displaying the Turin Shroud.  Only less sexy.



So I say that I'm looking for a pair of strides.

"What about these legging things? More substantial than leggings, but stretchier than trews. They are called  Treggings." I take two pairs of Large into the changing room along with a pair of trousers.

I haul them on and fondly imagine this:

But when I turn around and look in the mirror, I am appalled to see something that not only has a bit of a camel toe thing going on in the crotch area, but my appendix scar can clearly be seen through the cling of the fabric.  Something is drooping down the back of my legs - it is my arse. Let me tell you, it's not a good look.

It wouldn't have mattered how much material was in these treggings, my body just doesn't suit them. Are there special knickers that you can wear that can keep your fanny nice and flat and not give you this horrible groin?  Can you have a fat fudd?  #fashionisamysterytome

Infuriated, I hauled them off and flung them out of the changing room.

I drag on a pair of trousers that are stretchy, but the design of them has little rips and holes in them.  They have a very high waist - so no escaping muffin top (which is a Good Thing). A nice look when you're a studenty type, but a bit unsuitable for someone approaching 50 and desperately trying to smarten herself up a bit.

But this was it.  The only trousers in the shop that at least FITTED.  I bought them.

I wore them.

Tartarus couldn't believe that I'd spent money on trousers that look, new, more tired than my £9.99 jeans out of The Factory Shop.

I kinda like them, but they're not very smart.....

-o0o-

Tartarus excels himself by asking whether the Knights in Merlin are the Knights of the Holy Braille.
I excel myself by saying out loud that I covet Nigel Slater's pepper and morstal.
We had not even been at the sauce.

I have baked a sponge, using Paul Hollingworth's recipe from UK Good Food.  I recommend them to the house for nice recipes that work like a charm.  Isn't The Great British Bake-off the most fantastic food porn?

And this week, the second and final week of the October holidays, I am off Darn Sarf to Lahndahn.  Laptop coming with me.  Hopefully cable for camera so that I can upload snaps.  Are you coming? It should be worth it just to hear me mouth-breathing with fear when I have to use the underground on my own on Saturday to get to the Tarot Conference.  I predict Sweat Rings, possibly a Shart or two of fear.

What have you been up to? Entertain me, reader.