11 Apr 2012

Hestia and the Sponges of Doom

I know that it's been a while, dear reader, but I have not been idle.  No siree.  It's the Easter holibags here and not only have we been on holiday in Edinburgh for 5 days, but Tartarus and I also managed to factor in an overnight to Glasgow to attend a gig at the Comedy Festival.  More of both events in later posts.

Anyway, I want to tell you about yesterday - it was Tartarus's birthday.

On Monday I was suddenly seized with compassion for him - he hardly gets any cards or gifts, unlike myself who operates a campaign of such relentlessness regarding birthdays that my friends just get me cards and nice things to Make it Stop.

I decided to bake him a birthday cake.

I figured that I had sufficient flour and butter, but I invested in half a dozen eggs and took myself off to the kitchen to do battle with the Kitchen Aid.

Two Victoria Sponges - how hard could it be?  Well, quite hard actually.

First of all, despite having left it out, the butter was still hard enough to murder someone with.  I ploughed on regardless and set about turning tiny blobs of butter and ordinary sugar (turned out that I had no caster in the cupboard and Sonshine refused point blank to go out in the rain to get some) into sponge.

Well, that was the plan.

The mixture was supposed to make two sponges.  I don't know which universe that might be in, but certainly not in mine.  I made two lots of mixture.  I didn't have two 7" pans.  But I did have two 9" pans. They would just have to suffice.

And here is the result:



It was filled with raspberry jam and whipped cream.  To be perfectly frank, it is about the thickness of a  kitkat.

Several things went wrong:

1) the butter was too hard
2) I used granulated sugar instead of caster
3) I used the wrong sized pans
4) I beat the absolute shit out of it with the Kitchenaid because of 1)

The resulting sponges looked - and felt - like frisbees.  And probably tasted like that too.

'I don't think that we should eat it,' I said, looking forlornly at the newly iced cake.

'How not?' * queried Tartarus.

'Well, it's not so much a couple of sponges....more a couple of biscuits sandwiched together,'  I admitted. To illustrate I lifted the cake a few inches off the work surface and dropped it down.  The windows shook.

'Let's give it a bash this evening,' he said gamely.

And off we went to the oyster bar for a very lovely lunch......


Sonshine has two oysters....which marks progress in his culinary adventures.  He thinks that they look like phlegm.  Now at least he knows they taste like phlegm too.  Only joking - the oysters were grilled with garlic and breadcrumbs and were divine.  I had six.


I also had Bradan Rost (smoked salmon) with beetroot (cooked, not pickled) and sour cream.  This is all that was left before I remembered to take a picture.  It was beautifully tasty - sweet, sour, earthy, delicious.


Tartarus opted for haddock and chips.  Bloody gorgeous and not your standard chip-shop fare!

Then we drove home.  It's been sort of snowing.


Keep driving straight ahead and one day you will hit Glasgow.  Take the right hand road to hit the right part of Scotland for me :-)

Back home we undid our belts and lay around on sofas playing Tomb Raider and downloading a fine radio app for the ipad.

At 7pm, Sonshine could barely contain himself as I divvied the cake into slices.

Reader, there were involuntary sounds of stress and strain as they strove to cut through the cake with the side of their forks.  It was as dense and impenetrable as a play by Beckett.

'For God's sakes, don't drop it on your foot or you'll break a toe,' joked Tartarus.  I laughed.  It really was VERY BAD.

'Let's just put it in the bin,' I suggested.

Sonshine soldiered on through his slice bravely and then gave up as he reached 'the crust' as he put it.

Nigella Lawson can rest easy in her bed for another night.

Happy Birthday, Tartarus!

*How not - in Glaswegian this corresponds to the English language's 'why not'.


....and just in case I forget:  The Hairy Bikers were wearing, according to Sonshine 'hoderlesen' as they yodelled their way through Austria.

25 comments:

  1. ha! ha! ha! That made me laugh out loud. Thank you!

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  2. Ah well, at least you didn't try to cook the whole of his birthday meal ;D

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    1. I can rustle up a fine pot of soup....and *cough* lasagna. AND Claudia Roden's orange and almond cake (cept mine is with lemons)

      It's not a vast repetoire :-D

      Ali x

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  3. A great day never the less. Alex loves oysters and will put away a full plate if you let him. I'll have to try that recipe.
    When I was chefing up in Aviemore, I misread the baking soda quantity as a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon. I had to cut the sponge out of the shallow bakers oven with a carving knife. Chef was not pleased.

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    1. Dear lord! I haven't QUITE done that. Still, at least your sponge ROSE!

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  4. Ooh, I recognize that stretch of road and strangely, I had Bradan Rost for lunch today. My husband had an unexpectedly long journey back from Arran last week, via the Lochranza ferry and a long drive up and round Loch Fyne as high winds had cancelled the Brodick ferry so he stopped to pick up some Oyster Bar goodies en route. Yum!

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    1. That's quite a detour! Arran is further south than us - his eyes must have been hanging out his head by the time he got home. But still....Oyster Bar goodies! Result!

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  5. You can absolutely use granulated instead of caster; I think it was the butter; next time, soften it in the microwave on defrost in 10 or 29 second bursts :-)

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    1. I'll give that a go - I considered sitting it on a saucer on a radiator, but I made butter icing like that once and it was a flamin' diaster. Not that this news will come as a surprise lol!

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  6. Well done ALi, I'm sure that Tartarus appreciated your efforts, even if his teeth and stomach don't agree. I shouldn't joke about your baking, as the last time I tried to make bread, my neighbour asked for the recipe because he was short of bricks for his garden wall.

    I'm suddenly homesick; nostalgia for Glasgow errupting from every pore and all due to that beautiful and poetic phrase "How not" *sighs like a broken bagpipe*

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    1. We have many other local phrases that will have you glad to be where you are :-)

      After televised football matches, for example, usualy around 3am, someone staggers home singing loudly at the top of their voice. Usually about The Pope or The Queen. Last Saturday night, however, it was a blindingly good rendition of Adele's Someone Like You - delivered at full lung capacity. Suspect that he had just been dumped ;-)

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  8. Yes - granulated can work - I have done this but hard butter - a nightmare! Glad you enjoyed part of your day anyway!

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    1. Sometimes I don't know why I bother baking. Ah yes, to try to get some use out of the kitchenaid! It was good fun :-D

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  9. My vote is with the size of the cake tins. Delia (oh praise be unto her) is very specific about cake tin size and says you don't ever think another inch either way will make any difference.

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    1. I think that the size of the tins definitely had something to do with it. As with so much in life, an inch either way can seal or break the deal :-D

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  10. Love that pic of Sonshine - he's a dote! I had similar problems over Easter getting butter to what is laughingly called 'room temperature' in the cookbooks - trouble is our rooms are freezing at the mo as it seems just WRONG to have the heating on during the day in April. Prehaps T. would be kind enough to relocate his birthday to a more soft-butter-friendly time of year - how not? xxx

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    1. He could be like the queen and have an official birthday where the butter could be softer?! Great idea!!!!

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  11. Ali, you do make me laugh. Never give up trying with the Kitchen Aid. One day you'll have it whipped in to shape so it produces a fine cake. Sonshine is such a good sprout, oops, meant to type SPORT!

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    1. You were perfectly correct with the 'sprout' comment btw!

      You think that one day I'll have success? Oh if only that were true! I'll just have to keep practising!

      Ali x

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  12. Hahaha, hoderlesen sounds so much better!

    Everyone has cake disasters, at least you all had the sense of humour to deal with it!

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    1. Henceforth they will be known as hoderlesen in this house. That will go along with the lillibytes for lbs!

      Humour is all I've got lol! Tears makes my face puffy!

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  13. oh dear.......never through cake away......one woman's disaster could be another man's triffle....there are few things that alcohol, custard and cream cannot improve!!x

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    1. I never thought of that! And Tartarus makes an excellent custard.....*remembers for the next time*

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